Thinspiration

Tiny, delicate, and fragile

I swear that one day we will all be thin and perfect

We just have to work for it

This is not the time to give up

Rather, tomorrow is a new month.  It's time to try harder.

We can do this.

Remember, you don't want to look like this.  Sadly, these are all girls I know in real life.  They are all stared at, laughed at, judged.  Do you want to be like that?

Food Cravings

Fit the calorie limit today, so no complaints there.  But I'm literally craving everything bad in the book.  I want Twinkies.  A moon pie.  Chocolate.  Graham crackers.  Nutella.  Bread.  God, I miss bread.  It's been days since I had a slice.  I just can't work it into my daily caloric limit.  I was going to have a piece of dry toast tonight, but a friend made cupcakes, and for some reason, I had one.  It was small, and insignificant, but I could have had a piece of goddamn bread instead.  And soup.  I want soup.  Stupid fucking cupcake.

Something bad happened to someone in T's family.  I don't know who or what.  He posted a brief status about it but hasn't answered my texts.  I'm really fucking worried.  If you're the praying type, I'd appreciate it.  I'm not myself, but I always pray anyway.  I guess I can't escape my Christian upbringing, even if I don't believe in any of it anymore.

The plan for tomorrow is to focus on the positive, pray for T and his family, eat less, and do awesome at my speech events.  Right.  Right.  Ugh.  Panic.


Update: The situation with T has been resolved.  No one was hurt.  Just a clusterfuck of drama.  I'm so relieved, but I still feel sick and my heart is still racing.  I think I'll post some thinspo to calm myself down.

Coasting

Today's been really nice food-wise.  I only ate breakfast and a banana after school.  It's my usual dinnertime, but I'm not hungry.  I guess I'll work out instead.

I had an opportunity to spend time with T today, but I missed it.  I was out getting my new glasses and my license renewed.  I hate missing any opportunities.  Ever since we broke up, we barely spend any time together.  I know.  Silly me.  That's what a breakup means.  But I miss him.

I feel like I'm coasting through life.  Just existing on the edges of society.  I sort of like it this way.  I'm not sad.  I'm not really angry.  I'm not anything.  I take up space.  I have matter.  I must exist.  But do I?

It's Shrodinger's cat.  Is it alive?  Is it dead?  You'll never know until you open the box.  Does the girl truly live?  Can you know until she dies?

SGD Day 2

It's a 300 cal day, and I've done quite well.

In:
1 packet oatmeal: 130
Banana: 105
10 Almonds: 70
4 carrot sticks: 20
Apple: 80
Sliced kiwi: ~50
2 egg whites with spinach and tomato: 78
Frozen banana: 105

I love eating frozen bananas.  If you freeze them right when they're about to go bad, they taste deliciously sweet and creamy.  It's a good sweets replacement when you're on a diet that doesn't make you count fruits and veggies.  I'm still craving something, though.  I'm not sure what.  I want something with texture.  Solid.  I've only had 236 cals that need to be counted, but today is kind of high despite that because today is a rest day.  I don't know.  Maybe I'll snack on some cheerios.  I'd still be under 300 if I ate half a cup.  I don't know.  I don't know.  I don't know.

But things are going well weight-wise.  I pulled a random pair of jeans out of the drawer, and was out of the house before I realized they were a size smaller than what I usually wear.  So that made for a good morning.

If it's the past you love, then that's where you can stay.

Day one of SGD went well.  I deviated from the food plan, but I was still well within the calorie range of the day.  I ate 396 of my 400, excluding fruits and veggies so go me.  Tomorrow will be a bit more difficult at 300 calories, but I feel like I can do it.  The problem right now is E.  She keeps making all these cupcakes, and it's all I can do to throw them away when she's not looking.  T keeps giving me funny looks when I only pick at my lunch, too.  But whatever.  If they cared about me, they'd actually act like they give a damn.  That's not fair.  They do.  I just push them away.

Truth be told, I don't want any friends.  I don't want to be cared about.  I want to quietly slip away to college, where no one will know my name.  I can be the tragically thin girl with the pensive expression.  For the longest time I've whole-heartedly believed that I will die at the rip old age of 22.  Strange, no?  I want to be alone when that happens.  Completely, utterly alone.

Excuse my ramblings.  I'm just really sad tonight.

Skinny Girl Diet - Day 1

I've been up since just past midnight, which explains for the early posting.  I plan on starting the Skinny Girl Diet (which from henceforth shall be known simply as 'SGD') today.  400 cal, not counting fruits and veggies.  Since most of what I eat constitutes as fruits and veggies, this diet actually leaves a lot of wiggle room.

Meal plan for today:

Breakfast: 
Green tea: 0
Cup of Cereal: Between 160 and 200, depending on the brand
3/4 cup of 1% milk: 75

Lunch: 
Apple: 80
Celery Sticks: 20
10 Almonds: 70

Snack:
Banana: 105

Dinner: 
Spinach leaves with 1 cal spray dressing: 25

Planned total: 575
SGD total: 350 of 400

I really think this diet will work for me.  Wish me luck, girls (:

BingePurge

Binge:

1/2 flour tortilla (~60)

Small tomato + Spinach + 1/3 cup brown rice: 115

1 cup cereal + 1 cup milk: 260

Nutrigrain bar: 120

Binge Total: 555

Purge:

Nutrigrain bar

All of the spinach

Most of the tomato

About half the rice

The milk

I didn't see any of the cereal or the tortilla.  Not surprised.  They're "sticky" foods.

Failurefailurefailurefailurefailurefailure