Tuesday, May 31, 2011

First Morning at Summer College

It's before seven, and my dorm room is quiet.  I'm rooming with A for the month, and she's softly snoring on the other side of the room.  These dorms are nice.  It's roomy and we get a private bathroom and everything.  It makes me quite happy.

The weight damage from DC wasn't too bad.  2 pounds, and that's to be expected.  I think a good bit of it was my inability to stop munching on the 15 hour car ride home.  I think I'll start the SGD to get back on track today.  The combination of the SGD and being away from home without my favorite foods should be good for me.

First day of classes is tomorrow.  I am so excited.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Quick update from DC

I have to post fast.  Two of the girls in the room are downstairs in the lobby, and the other is in the shower.

The good:  I bought a couple pairs of size ten jeans and they fit perfectly.  And for under 15$.  I love a good deal.

The bad:  I ate two scoops of peanut butter and chocolate ice cream, and puked them up in the most remote bathroom of the hotel.

This is seriously the nicest hotel I've ever stayed at in my life.  It's huuuuuge.  HUGE.  It literally takes up most of a city block on its own.  I love it here.  I feel so official.  It's finally sunken in that I made it to nationals.  Fabulous.  Now I just have to perform tomorrow morning.  I'll handle this just fine.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

A rare glimmer of optimism

I fear, my dears, that this will be my last post for a while.  What with nationals and the start of summer college and reading Beowulf for AP English IV and putting together a college resume, I'm going to be busy busy busy busy.  I'll be on and off periodically, though.

I splurged a bit tonight, and had Starbucks.  That stuff is dreadful for me.  I don't know why I did it.  Coffee screws up my stomach every time.  Oh well.  It was worth it.  My throat is still killing me, though.  If it's still scratchy like this in the morning, I'm putting myself on vocal rest before the tournament.  I don't have much of a chance, but I refuse to let this disease fuck up what little shot I have at winning.

I took a picture of myself today.  I was shocked.  I look decidedly normal sized.  My 13's are literally falling off me, and my 11's don't fit quite right either.  It never occurred to me that I've slipped from large t-shirts to mediums.  And I realized today that 148 is the least I've weighed since coming home crying from a physical in the 5th grade because I weighed 149 lbs.  I am nearly healthy.  And healthy is just another step towards thin!

135 by the end of the summer.  And then 120 by the end of the year.  I can do this.  I will do this.

Almost Gone.

I feel like absolute crap.  I got left alone in the house again, which means it's binge/purge time for Alex.  Chewed up three cupcakes and spit them back out.  Ate a slice of pizza and threw it back up.  I scratched the back of my throat and spit up blood.  Whooops.  When I first saw the blood, it scared the shit out of me honestly.  I was so dumb to risk my throat right before nationals.  What the hell was I thinking?  But I'm alright now.  I just feel lonely and needy and blah.

I'm going to work out now.  Jumping jacks, abs, and legs.  I'm so nervous about tomorrow.  Not only will I do crappy in the tournament, but I'm also not going to be able to restrict properly or workout while I'm there.  I don't like half the people that are going, and I certainly don't like them enough to want to be in a car with them for two days.  Why must DC be so far away?

I need to finish packing for summer college before I leave tomorrow.  I can't believe I'm going away for a whole five weeks.  I'm so excited.  I want do be down to 135 by the time I come back.  I think I can do that.  Right now, I have a separate bag set aside for food.  I'm pretty sure I'm the only one bringing five boxes of tea, a loaf of low-cal bread, a jar of reduced fat peanut butter, and a bathroom scale.  Ohhh well.  They can think I'm crazy if they want.  I don't give a shit anymore.

So much for cheering up.  Thank you all for sticking with me, even if all I do is bitch and moan about not doing well enough.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Weak Body, Weak Mind

I am hungry.  I've had just under 300 calories today, with about 30 minutes of light calisthenics.  I have this great new ab and leg workout routine.  I just finished the leg portion, and I have that pleasant shaky feeling that comes after a workout done right.  I can't wait to see the results.  All the same, I miss strenuous cardio. Nothing produces results faster.  But alas.  My heart is weak.  My body is weak.  I am weak.

I had my last therapy session for about six weeks today.  That worries me a bit.  I love my therapist to death, and the sessions really ground me.  I can't come home while I'm at summer college, except for the weekends, and she doesn't work weekends.  I'll probably call her a few times while I'm there, but it won't be the same.

I want a Greek yogurt, but that would put me over 300.  For some reason, that feels like a very bad thing right now.  So I've got the food network on to satiate my cravings.  Iron Chef Japan is on, and the food looks delicious.  I don't know if it's helping or hurting, but for now I am enjoying myself.

Edit: Broke and ate a Skinny Cow ice cream bar.  Immediately purged until I tasted bile.  I still feel good.

2 more days

I leave for debate nationals in just two days.  Jesus Christ.  All I can hope for is that I don't get dead last in all my rounds.  I know I have zero chance of winning.  I just don't want to lose.  Haha.  I'm freshening up my hair color right now.  At the very least, I'll look good.

The scale this morning was not unkind.  148.  The scale at my doctor's office said 157 a week ago, which I knew wasn't right.  I was around 152, 155 at the most.  I know it seems irrational, but I can feel my weight, you know?  Only 7 more pounds to a healthy BMI.  I can do this.

I can't wait for summer college.  Because of my galbladder problems, I eat vegetarian and super low-fat.  So there won't be much to eat in the cafeteria.  Hopefully, the sheer lack of foods will lead to a hefty weight loss over the month that I'm there.  One can only hope.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Bulging suitcases and nowhere to go.

It was a binge-y day today.  I was sad and lonely.  That's my biggest issue... I eat when I'm lonely.  I substitute food for friendship.  For caring.  For love.  I chew food up and spit it back out.  Symbolic, I know.  I steal their friendship, their hearts, and then I drop them and break my own heart in the process.  Even with spitting up a bit of my binge, the damage was still 1492 for the day.  Bad Alex.  Very very bad Alex.

Tomorrow will be a vegan day.  That way I can't binge on cereal and baked goods.  Just fruit, veggies, and this yummy navy bean soup I made today.  I have a feeling it will be even better tomorrow.  I'm re-reading Wasted by Marya Hornbacher for inspiration.  I'm just so ready for something new.  I'm going to summer college in a week.  I packed my bags already.  I want to move on.

On the bright side, my new computer came in today!  It's a gorgeous new Mac.  I need to name it.

Diet Pills

I started Mega-T diet pills yesterday.  So far I rather enjoy them.  I take one a couple bites into the meal, and by the time I'm halfway finished, I get sort of nauseous and can't eat much more.  I still feel full with what little I've consumed, though.  They're great, if only for that.  I don't know if I've actually lost any weight, though.  I haven't weighed myself in forever.  I'm scared to.  I know I haven't been restricting like I should.  I've been eating 1200 - 1400 calories a day.  Little piggy.  But yesterday was good.  I barely went over 500.  I think I'm nearly back into the swing of things.

A couple people yesterday suggested that I get help for my depression.  Don't worry, girls.  I'm in therapy.  I don't actually take any medications, though.  I refuse.  My dad thinks I'm on Zoloft and Lamictil, but in all actuality, I haven't taken them since June of 2009.  I hate the way they make me feel.  I'd rather be creeped out by distant voices than feel that flat and mindless.  I know people react differently to different medications, but I've tried a plethora of antidepressants that either did nothing, got me stoned, or made me terribly suicidal.  So I function without them... most of the time.

Sunday, May 22, 2011


T was supposed to come over today, but he bailed, so I decided to go to the grocery store and buy some Alex-friendly foods.  Apples, bananas, oranges, low-cal bread, low-cal cereal, and Greek yogurt.  I spent the whole time in the store praying fervently that no one I knew would see me or the contents of my cart.  I could hear the questions in my head.  "Where's the meat?"  "Why not normal bread?"  "What did you do, pick the smallest apples on the shelf?"

The paranoia and I have become great friends.  If I hear people laughing, I know it's about me.  I can't make eye contact with strangers.  I can't handle being in public for long periods of time.  I need to hide.  I keep hearing things that I'm not sure are real.  Dogs barking, people laughing, muted conversations.  They're so far away.  Do they exist?

I forget, sometimes, about the depression.  Major Depressive Disorder.  My first mental illness. It was followed quickly by Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  I'm slipping.  I've experienced brief psychosis before.  I don't want to go back there.

I've been gone for a while.

I was feeling extraordinarily pessimistic about blogging.  I felt like it was feeding my negativity and self-destruction.  And... it was.  But I think a long break was what I needed.  So much has happened in the time I've been gone.

So my health has gone down the tubes.  I haven't lost a single pound because I stopped focusing on my weight, and more on my overall health.  I've been having painful palpitations.  I can't run anymore because of them.  My gallbladder is failing.  I can't digest fat or meat anymore.  You wouldn't think it would be a bad thing, but when you no longer have a choice in what you eat, you realize that control is a huge part of this disease.  Control over what you eat, what you do, when you do it all, how much you do.

Speaking of "this disease," my therapist gave me a bulimia nervosa diagnosis.  So I suppose I've gotten the validation I was craving.  Why don't I feel any better about it?

I'll catch up on your posts as much as I can today, lovelies.  I'm sorry if I seem kind of down.  I'll cheer up eventually.