Monday, March 28, 2011

If it's the past you love, then that's where you can stay.

Day one of SGD went well.  I deviated from the food plan, but I was still well within the calorie range of the day.  I ate 396 of my 400, excluding fruits and veggies so go me.  Tomorrow will be a bit more difficult at 300 calories, but I feel like I can do it.  The problem right now is E.  She keeps making all these cupcakes, and it's all I can do to throw them away when she's not looking.  T keeps giving me funny looks when I only pick at my lunch, too.  But whatever.  If they cared about me, they'd actually act like they give a damn.  That's not fair.  They do.  I just push them away.

Truth be told, I don't want any friends.  I don't want to be cared about.  I want to quietly slip away to college, where no one will know my name.  I can be the tragically thin girl with the pensive expression.  For the longest time I've whole-heartedly believed that I will die at the rip old age of 22.  Strange, no?  I want to be alone when that happens.  Completely, utterly alone.

Excuse my ramblings.  I'm just really sad tonight.


  1. i hate when people watch me eat. or rather, watch me not eat. i'm stoked about college, too. to get away from the people who know who i am. hmm. i think you're a lovely creature. 22 is far too soon. let's shoot for something later. good job today. you'll do great tomorrow, too. stay strong, darling.

  2. Cupcakes are my down fall.
    I totally know what you mean though when you say that if your friends really cared they would act.
    My friends sometimes make a big deal about my weight but what does that achieve?
    22 is much too young and to think that that's the age you think you'll die makes me sad. Make a new goal, a much more positive goal. After all, you're beautiful, kind, lovely and amazing and should stick around.
    Love Anafly

  3. I understand that you're sad and having a tough time right now. I'm under the same pressure from myself to not eat, and friends and family to eat way more than I want. But believe me when I say that you do not want to be the friendless sickly girl in college because that's who I was befor I was forced into recovery. I wasn't myself at all, had no motivation to talk to anyone or have any fun like I used to. All I cared about was being thin. You can care about being thin -- but if you make it you're only thought in life it will drive you crazy. Please don't take this as critisism, I'm just speaking from experience. Get some rest, tomorrow's a new day and I know you can do this! xo

  4. Nice intake, I'm sure you will do as well tomorrow :)
    22 is way too young, please don't die that soon!
    I hate it when people watch me (not) eat too, but think yourself lucky your friends don't do much about it :) mine do way too much!
    I hope you are happier soon :)
    Stay strong,
    Lottie x

  5. ...I very much hope you feel better soon, darling. Please, just remember-- all these thoughts will fade away, sooner or later. This (too) shall pass.

    Lots of love,