Monday, June 20, 2011

"We hope vaguely, we dread precisely."

Title quote by Paul Valéry.  I've been anxious all day because I forgot to weigh myself.  By the time I remembered, I'd already had a few glasses of water.  Oh well.  T gave me half his latte, and I gulped the delicious horrid thing down before I even stopped to consider that he didn't order it fat-free.  Of course he didn't.  Worked it off and then some at the gym.  But dinner was too big, and I'm still 37 calories over.  That's remedied easily enough with a set of calisthenics, though.  I'll have a net under 700, but I'm supposed to be eating under 700, not netting.  Fuck.  Why can't I just restrict properly?  I won't be too hard on myself, but ugh.  I feel so uncomfortable in my skin today.  I'm just expanding expanding expanding.  I feel scratchy and hot.  I want to peel away the layers of fat and make myself clean.

I spent $30 of my dwindling food fund on 3 large tins of really nice tea.  Now I won't have enough food money to eat out this weekend.  Which means that the weekend will be a virtual fast since the cafeteria isn't open.  Score.  The bookstore here sells a brand of tea that's not available in my hometown, so I'm stocking up.  Tea is filling and calorie free.  I can never get enough.

I'm trying so hard to be positive.  Last night I had an anxiety attack that left me sobbing on the floor while A did her best to comfort me.  Everything is too much.  I just sit around and listen to Brand New and The Smiths and wait for the world to implode.


  1. i like that quote.

    that tea sounds really nice. :)
    its good that youre trying to stay positive. just keep your head up. :)

  2. I am so sorry about the anxiety attack. The method of spending all your cash on tea is pretty good though. I hope that you feel better soon.
    Good quote. I like it.

  3. i love the quote
    its ok sweetie ,i have have trouble restricting to but U ARE STRONG and you can do it !!!!!!
    feel better soon xoxo -echo

  4. Hey chica- okay before I forget, you need to check out If you order tea from here (and it really is the best tea I've ever had), they can send it to you! You can get it sent to you every month, or just one time or whatever. It's a Godsend!

    Second, you know that this feeling of being uncomfortable in your skin will pass. We have ALL felt it. Remember that it ebbs and that we love you and would give you great big hugs if we could. Much much love