Friday, June 3, 2011

The Little Engine That Could

It's amazing how easy it's become.  I remember the horrible hacking, the gagging.  Now there's just the squelch of fingers where they shouldn't be, and a neat splash in the toilet bowl.  This shouldn't be so simple.  I shouldn't be doing this here, even if my roommate is at her 8 o'clock class.  But this food has got to get out of me somehow.  Someway.  I will be tiny one day.  I will be so tiny that I disappear.  I wish I didn't understand the underlying causes of all this.  I wish I was so naive as to think that this really was about my weight.

Depressing part over.  I'm feeling the lovely second day soreness from my gym run.  I think that I'll be alternating cardio at the gym with calisthenics here in the dorm room.  A doesn't really mind me on the floor doing my leg lifts while she reads her economics book, so I think this plan will work.  Unfortunately, that means I'll have to power through my soreness today.  I can do it, though.  It will be worth it.

I haven't weighed myself in two days.  It's making me so nervous.  I can't right now, even if I did purge breakfast.  The number wouldn't be right.  I was 150 on Wednesday, and I'm hoping to be back to 148 by Saturday.


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