Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Last Day of Summer College

I have finals today, so I refuse to restrict.  My brain needs fuel.  I'll be soup fasting tomorrow, and possibly the next day to make up for it.  July 1st, I start the Thin Skinny Slim diet.  I'll be 130 before my senior year of high school.  I met my goal.  I wanted to be 140 when I left summer college, and as of yesterday, I was 139.5.  I didn't weigh myself this morning as my scale was already packed.  Ah well.

I can't wait to be home.  Tonight I'll be in the comfort of my own bed.  I can watch TV and not have planned mealtimes and go wherever the fuck I want.  It will be magical.  My dad said he'd get me a gym membership, so I have high expectations for this summer.  I need a haircut and to fix the color.  All in good time.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Deplorable

I went home yesterday.  I needed to get away from this horrible school.  Spent the whole day cooking.  Binge binge binge binge.  No purge.  My stomach is killing me this morning.  Only 2 pound gain.  I can't even face the idea of food today.  I got my cigarette (or 5) yesterday.  I want to be 18 already.

Finals are tomorrow, and then I can finally go home.









Sunday, June 26, 2011

No Distinction

I saw my best friend for the first time in nearly a month today.  She literally could not stop staring at me.  She kept saying, "You're so tiny!"  The last time she saw me I was 152 or so.  So I guess me at 138 makes a big difference.  The mirror shows no distinction.  200lb Alex is 174lb Alex is 169lb Alex is 150lb Alex is 138lb Alex.

caption

The fat thighs in the back right are me.  Fuck.  I'm going crazy here.  Not tiny.  Not tiny at all.  Fatfatfatfatfatfatfat.  Shape up, Alex.  Count calories.  Why did you ever think you couldn't?  Breaks are for skinny people.

I remade my tumblr, because I missed it so much.  Considered posting it here, but I won't for anonymity issues.  Email me if you want to follow or whatever.  I don't even care about anything at this point.  I just want a fag.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Anxious Nights

I spent over an hour on the phone with my therapist.  I was having a breakdown after I purged blood.  I'm pretty sure I just scratched up the back of my throat, but still.  Life is a lot to handle sometimes.  I've decided to not count calories for the next week.  I need some sanity.  After next week I'll start the Thin Skinny Slim diet or whatever the fuck it's called.  I just need some time to myself.

This may sound desperate, but if anyone wants to talk, email me at chubbybones12@yahoo.com.  I'm lonely, and my roommate is gone.  Yeah, I'm pathetic.


At least gay marriage was approved in New York.  Just one more step towards equality <3

Thinspiration - Gemma Ward

I have a new girl crush, and her name is Gemma Ward.  She's fucking gorgeous, and exactly the size I want to be one day.







It's a shame she gained weight, but I doubt this is her






She's so effortless <3

139!

I broke the fast at 42 hours, which I don't really mind.  The longest I've ever gone before was around 45, so making it 48 when my dorm room is full of food is just a little ridiculous.  Had a yogurt and an orange, and then ate dinner with my friends and purged it.  I felt sort of bad while I was purging.  Like, everything that was coming up was green and healthy, full of nutrients my body probably needed after not eating.  But oh well.  I'm 139 this morning, so I couldn't be happier.

This picture is one of my new favorites.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Going for 48 Hours

I'm still not 139.  GODFUCKINGDAMNIT.  I don't know why this is so important to me, but it is.  The suggestions for low-cal Gatorade and power aid sound great.  Unfortunately, I don't know where I could find some on campus.  Everything you buy here with the exception of tea and diet coke is full fat, full calorie.  It scares the shit out of me.  But yeah, not eating until dinner tonight.  I won't go to the gym, but I'm definitely not eating.  Everything is sore and my heart is pounding, but I don't give a shit.

Thinspo.










Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Success

The fast was successful.  I haven't had a bite to eat since dinner last night.  If I don't eat until lunch tomorrow, that makes nearly a 40 hour fast.  I don't know if I want to wait that long though.  But I'm not eating until I'm 139lbs.  I refuse.  I managed 27 minutes on the stationary bike today.  I could have gone much longer, but I didn't want to deplete my energy stores while fasting.  It was hard to make myself stop.  I feel like I could be going so much faster, so much further, and I'm just holding myself back with perceived limitations.  Or maybe the limitations are real and I will crash and burn eventually.  I don't care either way.  As long as I end up thin.

Fasting

I cannot stand the thought of food today.  I really can't.  So I think I'll make today a spontaneous fast.  I'm hiding from lunch in my dorm room now, gulping peppermint tea until I feel full.  I shouldn't be this hungry.  Traitorous body.  Wish me luck, girls <3

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Tea and Anime

Oliva Lee sent me to one of the most beautiful websites I've ever seen.  Teavana.com.  I've already made an account and a wishlist.  Now to beg my dad to buy me some, hahaha.

I know this may sound strange, but I've been watching a lot of anime for thinspiration.  The characters are all so tiny and delicate.  It almost doesn't matter that they aren't real.  I want to look as they do, innocent and fragile, with just a hint of an edge.  

It was pouring buckets outside, and I didn't feel like getting soaked in the 15 minute walk to the gym.  Now I feel incredibly lazy, but oh well.  There is always tomorrow.  I did well with calories, so I'll just take things one step at a time.


And our horrific news story of the day is.... Deep.Fried.Kool-Aid.  What the fuck?

Monday, June 20, 2011

"We hope vaguely, we dread precisely."

Title quote by Paul ValĂ©ry.  I've been anxious all day because I forgot to weigh myself.  By the time I remembered, I'd already had a few glasses of water.  Oh well.  T gave me half his latte, and I gulped the delicious horrid thing down before I even stopped to consider that he didn't order it fat-free.  Of course he didn't.  Worked it off and then some at the gym.  But dinner was too big, and I'm still 37 calories over.  That's remedied easily enough with a set of calisthenics, though.  I'll have a net under 700, but I'm supposed to be eating under 700, not netting.  Fuck.  Why can't I just restrict properly?  I won't be too hard on myself, but ugh.  I feel so uncomfortable in my skin today.  I'm just expanding expanding expanding.  I feel scratchy and hot.  I want to peel away the layers of fat and make myself clean.

I spent $30 of my dwindling food fund on 3 large tins of really nice tea.  Now I won't have enough food money to eat out this weekend.  Which means that the weekend will be a virtual fast since the cafeteria isn't open.  Score.  The bookstore here sells a brand of tea that's not available in my hometown, so I'm stocking up.  Tea is filling and calorie free.  I can never get enough.

I'm trying so hard to be positive.  Last night I had an anxiety attack that left me sobbing on the floor while A did her best to comfort me.  Everything is too much.  I just sit around and listen to Brand New and The Smiths and wait for the world to implode.


Sunday, June 19, 2011

Lovely Dreams and Overwhelming Doubt

Today I feel a bit better.  I'm still stressed, still scared.  But better.  I had the loveliest dreams last night.  Then, I woke up to the crushing disappointment that none of them were real.  Some of it is achievable: I can be thin.  I will be thin.  It will just take some time.  Some, well... not so much.  T and I will never be together again.  I'm closer to accepting that, but I'm not all the way there yet.

So far today, I've had 10 strawberries and a cup of tea for breakfast.  I think lunch will be an orange and a cup of tea.  I'm strangely not hungry today.  It must be all the binging/purging I've put my body through this weekend.  I'm trying really hard to not be disappointed by my weight.  I wanted to be 140 by the time I left summer college.  I'm leaving on June 30th, and at 141 lbs, I'm way ahead of schedule.  I just feel like it's never enough though.  I'll be 130 by the end of the summer.  Maybe even 125.   I realize I have so much weight left to lose and get overwhelmed almost daily.  I've lost over 60lbs already.  I can do this.  I just need to focus.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Perfect Eyes Will Have Perfect Aim

Today I had lunch and dinner with my dad and sister.  We had sushi.  Miso soup, edamame, a spicy veggie roll.  A veritable feast.  And then frozen yogurt.  My God, it was hard to smile and look normal and eat all that food.  But somehow I did.  Now I'm ending the day at 785 calories.  I don't want to call it a bust, because I do have an additional 100 liquid calories to be applied three times a week, and frozen yogurt is technically liquid, right?  Hah, let's go with that.  I'm thinking about adding in a special occasions clause to my plan, but that's just weak and lazy.

I did my morning calisthenics, and I think if I do another set, I'll let myself eat 5 strawberries for dinner.  Or maybe just a cup of tea.  I still can't get rid of this one song that put my head in a bad place.  I just want to take up less space.  I want to transcend need, become air and water and bones and nothing else.

The Aftermath

Morning damage: wrappers everywhere, sore throat, swollen face, dark circles an insomniac would envy, puke on the floor, bruises from where I collapsed on the bathroom floor, 1.5 pounds of water retention, skin that's broken out everywhere.

Jesus-fucking-Christ.  I seriously cannot believe I binged and purged not once, but four separate times.  Fuck.  I probably consumed about 1200 calories last night alone.  No telling how many I actually got up.    What must my neighbors think?  I'm sure they must have heard.  I was all ready with my flu excuse, but no one came to check, so I guess that's something.  Fuck.

Never gonna get it right
You're never gonna get it
Never gonna get it right

My dad is driving down to take me to lunch around noon.  The last thing I want to do is eat, but it's an early Father's Day celebration, so I have to in order to please him.  I'll still stick to the new plan.  

  • 700 calories intake without wiggle room calories burned in exercise, 
  • 100 additional liquid calories 3 times a week, 
  • 40 minutes at the gym 5 times a week, 
  • A dessert item once a week to be included in the daily 700 calories
  • 2 liters of water a day, minimum,
  • Make sure to take diet pills,
  • ABSOLUTELY NO BINGING 

Friday, June 17, 2011

"Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now"

Miserable binge.
Even more miserable purge.
I still feel nothing.
Yet, simultaneously, everything hurts.
I've never felt so bulimic.
I've rarely felt so out of control.
New plan starts tomorrow.
I am a failure.
iwouldkillforarazor

Arms and shit, I guess.