Finally below 150

Stepped on the scale this morning.  I didn't have my glasses on, so I couldn't read it well.  It seemed somewhere in the middle of 140 and 150.  So I finally broke below 150 again.  Other than my mini-binge at home yesterday, all I had to eat was a banana, cut into 1/3s and eaten in tiny little bites for lunch, dinner, and a bedtime snack.  So that might have had something to do with it.  I feel dehydrated, and I might fast today.  I don't know.  I have a headache and my blood pressure is low, so we'll see.

I let A borrow my computer last night, and when I checked the history, nothing was amiss, but I need to be more careful.  In a fit of paranoia, I changed the url to my blog, but I think I'll leave the rest of it alone for now.

It's a life of leaving home.

I drove home and back to college again this morning.  I was home for less than an hour before I left.  It was strange being there.  I had no purpose.  When I got home, my dad was asleep, so naturally I slipped into binge/purge mode.  I hate being home because it's so easy there.  By the time I was done hacking up the last remnants of my "breakfast" my dad was awake.  So we chatted for a while.  He said I had grown up.  That I looked good since I've slimmed down some.  And then we looked awkwardly at each other until I decided it was time to leave.  I feel like I've already moved out.

So, CAliChica asked me how I get away with my behaviors, and looking like I do.  Well, for me it's easy because I don't look too thin.  I think I look like a whale, but most people would judge me as average sized.  Hiding the binging and purging is a lot harder, though.  I've just learned when and when not to do it, and how to be quiet with it.  My dad will occasionally ask if I'm eating enough, and I just say that I am and he leaves me alone.  But he's pretty oblivious, so I got lucky there.  I hope that's what you were asking :)

The cafeteria isn't serving food all weekend(!), so I've bought some Special K and some bananas, and those will tide me over until Monday.  I think I might fast on Sunday.  Sundays are the best days for it, and I always feel so clean starting the week.  I went into binge mode last night and ate three desserts.  And after spending an hour at the gym, too.  I just ruined all my hard work, and then some.  I think I'll go back today for punishment.  I don't know if I'll have time, though.  We're going on a mandatory propaganda tour of the college.

I'm sorry if this was rambly and all over the place.  I hope you lovelies are having beautiful Saturdays :)

The Little Engine That Could

It's amazing how easy it's become.  I remember the horrible hacking, the gagging.  Now there's just the squelch of fingers where they shouldn't be, and a neat splash in the toilet bowl.  This shouldn't be so simple.  I shouldn't be doing this here, even if my roommate is at her 8 o'clock class.  But this food has got to get out of me somehow.  Someway.  I will be tiny one day.  I will be so tiny that I disappear.  I wish I didn't understand the underlying causes of all this.  I wish I was so naive as to think that this really was about my weight.

Depressing part over.  I'm feeling the lovely second day soreness from my gym run.  I think that I'll be alternating cardio at the gym with calisthenics here in the dorm room.  A doesn't really mind me on the floor doing my leg lifts while she reads her economics book, so I think this plan will work.  Unfortunately, that means I'll have to power through my soreness today.  I can do it, though.  It will be worth it.

I haven't weighed myself in two days.  It's making me so nervous.  I can't right now, even if I did purge breakfast.  The number wouldn't be right.  I was 150 on Wednesday, and I'm hoping to be back to 148 by Saturday.

IthinkIcanIthinkIcanIthinkIcanIthinkIcan

Classes, Butter, and the Amazing Gym

My classes yesterday were decent.  College algebra was dreadful.  I was one of five people who actually knew how to factor a polynomial... and I'm not even good at it!  I love my history class, though.  It's so interesting.  I've been meeting all sorts of nifty people, including a girl who shares my first and middle name.

The food here is crazy fattening.  Everything tastes like butter, and the salads are wilted.  My dad already told the "dietitian" that I'm a vegetarian, but I'm thinking that if I tell them I'm a vegan I can get a special meal plan.  I could never actually be vegan, though.  I couldn't give up my yogurt.  To counterbalance the food, there's the campus gym.  I was so impressed.  Who knew a college in Mississippi would have such a nice workout center?  Half the girls there are super skinny, and the other half are huge.  I was one of the only people in the in-between range.  So there was good motivation on both sides of the spectrum.  Yesterday's workout was pretty good.  Brisk 1 mile walk to get there and warm up, 15 minutes on the stationary bike, 35 minutes on the elliptical, and then a 1/4 jog back.  I missed cardio so much.  My heart is behaving for now, so we'll see how this goes.

The goal while I'm here is to have a net under 800.  Next week I'll lower it to 700, and on and on.  Until I'm netting 500 by the time I go home.  I was going to do the SGD until I got here and realized how out-of-practice I was with restricting.  But I netted 426 yesterday, so I'm doing well.

I don't want to go to school here, but I think I'll be happy enough for the next month.

First Morning at Summer College

It's before seven, and my dorm room is quiet.  I'm rooming with A for the month, and she's softly snoring on the other side of the room.  These dorms are nice.  It's roomy and we get a private bathroom and everything.  It makes me quite happy.

The weight damage from DC wasn't too bad.  2 pounds, and that's to be expected.  I think a good bit of it was my inability to stop munching on the 15 hour car ride home.  I think I'll start the SGD to get back on track today.  The combination of the SGD and being away from home without my favorite foods should be good for me.

First day of classes is tomorrow.  I am so excited.

Quick update from DC

I have to post fast.  Two of the girls in the room are downstairs in the lobby, and the other is in the shower.

The good:  I bought a couple pairs of size ten jeans and they fit perfectly.  And for under 15$.  I love a good deal.

The bad:  I ate two scoops of peanut butter and chocolate ice cream, and puked them up in the most remote bathroom of the hotel.

This is seriously the nicest hotel I've ever stayed at in my life.  It's huuuuuge.  HUGE.  It literally takes up most of a city block on its own.  I love it here.  I feel so official.  It's finally sunken in that I made it to nationals.  Fabulous.  Now I just have to perform tomorrow morning.  I'll handle this just fine.

A rare glimmer of optimism

I fear, my dears, that this will be my last post for a while.  What with nationals and the start of summer college and reading Beowulf for AP English IV and putting together a college resume, I'm going to be busy busy busy busy.  I'll be on and off periodically, though.

I splurged a bit tonight, and had Starbucks.  That stuff is dreadful for me.  I don't know why I did it.  Coffee screws up my stomach every time.  Oh well.  It was worth it.  My throat is still killing me, though.  If it's still scratchy like this in the morning, I'm putting myself on vocal rest before the tournament.  I don't have much of a chance, but I refuse to let this disease fuck up what little shot I have at winning.

I took a picture of myself today.  I was shocked.  I look decidedly normal sized.  My 13's are literally falling off me, and my 11's don't fit quite right either.  It never occurred to me that I've slipped from large t-shirts to mediums.  And I realized today that 148 is the least I've weighed since coming home crying from a physical in the 5th grade because I weighed 149 lbs.  I am nearly healthy.  And healthy is just another step towards thin!

135 by the end of the summer.  And then 120 by the end of the year.  I can do this.  I will do this.