Thursday, April 7, 2011

This is endless.

I punched the treadmill to a stop, foregoing my cool down.  As the belt stopped I doubled over, gasping for air.  Sickened, I watched my fat stomach as I breathe.  In, out, in out.  The fat sucks in and out, like a trampoline.  I closed my eyes, wanting to crawl into a hole and starve myself for months.

Unfortunately, that won't be an option.  Uncle J and Aunt B left last night, but Uncle D and Aunt L are still  in town, so we're going out for dinner.  This yummy fattening little Mexican place on the other side of town.  I don't know what I'm supposed to get, especially now that I'm vegetarian again.  At the very least, the damage will be around 300.  I've been stuck at 155 since Sunday, so I don't know if I should just say fuck it and hope the weight gain increases my metabolism or if I should order a garden salad, which would look crazy sketchy.  And it's not like I could purge it out.  I thought of that, but my sister always follows me into the bathroom.  I guess I'll just have to remember, take twice as long to eat half as much.  

On the bright side, I made Rotary Scholar this year.  I have no fucking clue how.  Rotary Scholar is an honor bestowed on the top 25 in the class for that year, but I'm 85th in the class.  I'm so confused.  But in a good way.  I kind of needed recognition for something.  I feel like I'm failing at everything I attempt, so I guess this is a little sign that I'm not.

1 comment:

  1. Your dedication is inspiring! I give up way too easily when running. I think the increased amount of calories will actually speed up your metabolism and possibly cause you to lose a few pounds, instead of causing harm! Congrats on the Rotary Scholar award!! :)