Peanut Butter and Power Walking

In chemistry, I learned that all movement stops at zero degrees kelvin.  Virtually all particles cease vibration.  Even the building blocks of life come to a standstill.  And this is where I am in my life.  0K.  I can't remember the last time someone asked to spend time with me.  I keep inviting myself along, and regretting it as soon as I get there.  I am not included in conversations.  Fighting tears, I stand awkwardly along the fringes.  The harder I try to get involved, the more acutely I feel the sting of rejection.  I don't know if it's all in my head or what, but it hurts.  It hurts to be going nowhere, to have stopped moving.  It hurts to be at 0K.

Perhaps this is why I binged today.  And on peanut butter and cereal, too.  Ugh.  There's no way that was coming up, so I didn't even bother.  Instead, I put on a movie and power walked at a 30% incline through it.  My treadmill says I burned 630, so if I walk my way through another movie later, I'll have worked off the binge.  I need to do my daily crunches and shadowboxing, too.  I will work this horrible food off.  And for the love of God, NO MORE.  I ate at 1, so my fast will last until 1 on Friday.  I think I can hide the fact that I'm not eating for that long.  If not... fuck it.  Maybe then someone will look at me, and not through me.

I wanted to disappear... so why does it hurt so much?