Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Peanut Butter and Power Walking

In chemistry, I learned that all movement stops at zero degrees kelvin.  Virtually all particles cease vibration.  Even the building blocks of life come to a standstill.  And this is where I am in my life.  0K.  I can't remember the last time someone asked to spend time with me.  I keep inviting myself along, and regretting it as soon as I get there.  I am not included in conversations.  Fighting tears, I stand awkwardly along the fringes.  The harder I try to get involved, the more acutely I feel the sting of rejection.  I don't know if it's all in my head or what, but it hurts.  It hurts to be going nowhere, to have stopped moving.  It hurts to be at 0K.

Perhaps this is why I binged today.  And on peanut butter and cereal, too.  Ugh.  There's no way that was coming up, so I didn't even bother.  Instead, I put on a movie and power walked at a 30% incline through it.  My treadmill says I burned 630, so if I walk my way through another movie later, I'll have worked off the binge.  I need to do my daily crunches and shadowboxing, too.  I will work this horrible food off.  And for the love of God, NO MORE.  I ate at 1, so my fast will last until 1 on Friday.  I think I can hide the fact that I'm not eating for that long.  If not... fuck it.  Maybe then someone will look at me, and not through me.

I wanted to disappear... so why does it hurt so much?


  1. i hate that sensation, but youll get through this funk. and at least you work off your binge i just let it digest into fat and gain weight. youre doing amazing a life keep your head up

  2. That is the very worst feeling in the world. I'm so sorry you have to feel like this right now. But things will change, I know they will.

    In the mean time, I list my number and email address on my side bar so if you want to, feel free to contact me to vent or talk or have a nice laugh about how horrible all this is.

    Lots and lots of love,

  3. :( I wish I could be there so we could do something - see a movie, go shopping... something just to show you that you are not alone. <3

    That's a good idea about popping in a movie while walking! I want a treadmill so freaking bad.=X

  4. im so excited, i convinced my mom to get me a treadmill as an early birthday present (my birthday isnt until june) and i swear i will live on it XD

  5. You have the strength and determination to fix mistakes, to work them off, no matter how much effort it takes. That's truly inspiring. I hope to be more like you!

  6. After I binge, I usually just wallow in misery and self-loathing. You work your binges off, that is really truly inspiring. It may feel like the people around you look through you, but we look at you and are inspired!