After a bingey week, I'm finally back on track. 303 calories today, with a tiny dinner as a possibility. Either way, I'll be running. I didn't post last night because I felt strange. Really strange.
I spent yesterday afternoon at E's house. We re-dyed my hair, and it's a nice vibrant auburn again, instead of that shitty, faded out blonde. I'll take better care of it this time, and hopefully it won't go back to my natural color any time soon. After fixing my hair, I watched anxiously as she made dinner. Brown rice and homemade tomato soup. We were eating, and whining about how much we hated doing it. I've known for a while that E is bulimic, but it surprised me when she said out loud, "God, I want to puke." She knows I have issues with food too, so we joked for a while about going upstairs to her bathroom for "best friend bonding time." And then the strangest thing at all.
Suddenly, I was standing outside her bathroom bouncing on my toes, waiting for her to finish up, listening to the sounds of splashing in the bathroom. She opened the door, still swishing her mouthwash, when I pushed past her, turned on the sink, and fell to my knees. I briefly spared a thought to how fucked up this was, but got the job done anyway. We laughed nervously about it before walking around her neighborhood for a few miles. We agreed to be fasting buddies. She won't eat more than 1200 calories in a day, and complimented me when I said I'm terrified of eating over 800.
I feel like I lost some of my legitimacy at that moment. I refuse to admit to an eating disorder. I'm no better than those 13 year old wannarexics. But the fact of the matter is, I do eat a lot less than I should, and I do throw up my meals about two times a week. I smoke instead of eating. I drink shit tons of water so my stomach doesn't growl. There is something wrong with me. But crazy people don't go find other crazy people to enjoy their craziness together. I don't know. I feel lost.
Time to run off this negativity. I have a lot more to talk about, but this post is getting kind of long as is.