Sunday, April 3, 2011

Quod me nutrit me destruit.

Posting three times in a day, I know.  You don't have to read.  I'm just so sad and alone in this world.  I have this huge psychology paper, and I'm not even going to attempt it.  I'm just so tired and miserable.  I need someone, but that is precisely the problem.

I need, but am not needed.
I want, but am not wanted.

I feel so dispensable.  So useless.  And it's not like I have no friends.  E wanted me to come over today, but I declined.  I can't deal with physical closeness right now.  Debate Boy texted me a few different times, which is weird since I added him on facebook and found out he's got a girlfriend.  Whatever.  I'm not interested anyway.  I think he's just overly friendly, and I'm desperate for any kind of attention from anyone so I'm misinterpreting.

I don't have anyone to talk to really, so here I am rambling to strangers.  I am the cat in Shrodinger's box.  I am alone in my sealed hell with my poison.  Won't someone open the lid and discover if I am alive or dead?  I don't even know myself.  Both possibilities exist simultaneously.  The urge to self-injure is so strong.  I've been resisting, but I don't know for how much longer.  I smoked a cigarette this afternoon, and that helped some.  I think I might smoke another around midnight if I'm still awake and still consumed by this self-destructive melancholy.  I am a miserable piece of shit, but won't someone care anyway?


  1. I'm here. I'm listening. I've had self injury tenancies for over five years now, but have been 'clean' for over six months. I know the urge. You know I do because that's the only thing that I can say to help. That I know the hurting. I'm sorry you feel it. I hope it fades soon. I'll tell you though, losing 40lbs makes even the tiniest of scars show. There's this one on my hip bone now that I can see from five years ago. So tiny. Email me girly if you like, I'll text you. :)

  2. hate hate hate your sadness. i get you on the physical closeness. i'll talk to people all day but i do not want to be with them. i hate being alone but i love it, too. i really hope you don't hurt yourself. i did today. just cut my finger open. stupid. it's sore from typing. i know you feel useless but i hope you know that you're not. i think you're lovely. stay strong, darling. i hope tomorrow is better for you.