Sunday, April 3, 2011

Quod me nutrit me destruit.

Posting three times in a day, I know.  You don't have to read.  I'm just so sad and alone in this world.  I have this huge psychology paper, and I'm not even going to attempt it.  I'm just so tired and miserable.  I need someone, but that is precisely the problem.

I need, but am not needed.
I want, but am not wanted.

I feel so dispensable.  So useless.  And it's not like I have no friends.  E wanted me to come over today, but I declined.  I can't deal with physical closeness right now.  Debate Boy texted me a few different times, which is weird since I added him on facebook and found out he's got a girlfriend.  Whatever.  I'm not interested anyway.  I think he's just overly friendly, and I'm desperate for any kind of attention from anyone so I'm misinterpreting.

I don't have anyone to talk to really, so here I am rambling to strangers.  I am the cat in Shrodinger's box.  I am alone in my sealed hell with my poison.  Won't someone open the lid and discover if I am alive or dead?  I don't even know myself.  Both possibilities exist simultaneously.  The urge to self-injure is so strong.  I've been resisting, but I don't know for how much longer.  I smoked a cigarette this afternoon, and that helped some.  I think I might smoke another around midnight if I'm still awake and still consumed by this self-destructive melancholy.  I am a miserable piece of shit, but won't someone care anyway?

2 comments:

  1. I'm here. I'm listening. I've had self injury tenancies for over five years now, but have been 'clean' for over six months. I know the urge. You know I do because that's the only thing that I can say to help. That I know the hurting. I'm sorry you feel it. I hope it fades soon. I'll tell you though, losing 40lbs makes even the tiniest of scars show. There's this one on my hip bone now that I can see from five years ago. So tiny. Email me girly if you like, I'll text you. :)

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  2. hate hate hate your sadness. i get you on the physical closeness. i'll talk to people all day but i do not want to be with them. i hate being alone but i love it, too. i really hope you don't hurt yourself. i did today. just cut my finger open. stupid. it's sore from typing. i know you feel useless but i hope you know that you're not. i think you're lovely. stay strong, darling. i hope tomorrow is better for you.
    xoxo
    zette

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