All I have to say is...

...nothing.

Nyquil and Headaches

Last night I finished off the bottle of Nyquil and passed out into a deep and dreamless sleep.  Thankfully.  I took too much, though, and woke up dizzy and headache-y.  Sounds were too loud.  I just wanted to sleep more.  I suppose this is what being hungover would feel like.  Not that I haven't been drunk.  I have.  I'm just really lucky.  So I had an orange, a tiny pancake from last night, and drank a ton of water.  I feel better now, so it's whatever.

I'm back down to 149.  A weekend to put on three pounds, a week to take it back off.  I can eat 1200 calories a day, but no more binging and foregoing calorie counting completely.  My chest hurts, and I'm starving, so I guess my metabolism is up and running.  It's going to be a good day.  I will make it a good day if it kills me.

Edit: I mentioned in last night's post that I bought on a pair of jeans that were a size too small (Junior's 11) at the thrift store for motivation.  I was hungry, so I decided to try to attempt to pull them over my thunder thighs so I wouldn't feel like eating anymore.  And they fit.  Well then.  They're a bit snug around the waist, and the muffin top makes me dreadfully self-conscious, but they fit.  Hell to the yes.

That lasted a long time.

I ate a ton.  I feel so gross.  1663 calories.  And most of it was crap.  So what had happened was...

E and I went to the thrift store, where I bought a pair of jeans a size too small.  I will make them fit before the end of the school year.  My 12's are comfortable.  Too comfortable.  After the thrift store, we went to Starbucks.  (Skinny Iced Caramel Macchiato, 140).  We went to the park, and sat by a creek with our drinks and just talked.  After that, we swung on the swing sets for a while.  I feel like that's a good leg workout... I'll have to incorporate that into my routine somehow.  Anyways.  We went out to eat, and I way underestimated the calories in my meal.  I don't care if it's the only vegetarian entrée on the menu.  Never again.  I'm ashamed to even mention the calorie count.  E and I purged at her house, because we're crazy, and I went home a few hours later.  Hopped on the treadmill and refused to get off for nearly an hour and a half (523). Made my sister pancakes and a smoothie, and got away with only eating a tiny tester pancake.  Ugh.

So yeah.  That resolution to health went well.  Really fucking well.  I just spent the last hour crying in my closet about T, too.  I can feel my mental health slipping away.  I think I'm just going to go to bed before my night can get any worse.  I'm not making any goals for tomorrow.  I can't stand to let myself down again.

Why?

Why did I have to make cookies today?  It was a rash, impulsive binge move.  I didn't even purge them up.  I mean, fuck.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I can't just eat cookies when I planned to eat 500 cal in a day.  I easily ate 700 calories worth of cookies and cookie dough combined.  I am fat fat fat fat.

Why am I doing this to myself anyway?  I don't have an eating disorder.  I have white-girl-wants-attention disorder.  I got dumped on my ass, so I started acting crazy in retaliation.  I wasn't good enough for him, but that's no reason to play this part.  I am an actor in a role.  An extraordinarily convincing role.

There is no need to purge my food.  There is no need to restrict until I binge.  There is no need for any of this.  300 calories is not too much for a meal.  Who am I kidding?  Yes there is.  I'm fat fat fat fat fat fat fat.  It's time to start being healthier.  1200 calories a day, and excerise is to get fit and not burn calories.  No more fasting.  No more purging.  At least not for now.

I love you all, and you're so wonderfully supportive.  I'm sorry for unleashing my giant volcano of crazy upon you.  I'll still be around, reading and commenting where I have something to say.  I'll probably still be writing.  I just don't want my life to center around my disfunction.  I can stop this before it's too late.

I think.

Lazy Day

I stayed home sick today.  When I woke up, I was so nauseous that I could barely move.  My head was pounding, and I could feel my blood pressure plummeting.  My throat is sore.  Fatigue has set into my bones.  It's just hunger... my body is weak.  But I couldn't tell my father that, so I lied and told him I caught the stomach flu from E.

So far I've had most of a banana with my birth control pills.  I'm waiting until my dad goes to work to make myself a small lunch.  I think I'll just sauté some bell pepper and mushrooms in a pan.  I want pizza.  I don't even like pizza all that much, so I have no clue why I'm craving it.  I can't excerise today without looking suspicious, so the plan is to eat less than 500.  It's doable.

I just realized that by skipping today, I've given myself a four day weekend since we have Good Friday off, too.  Sweeeet.

Edit: I ate lunch.  1 cup of veggie soup (90).  Then purged it.  I hate eating when no one's home.  There's nothing to stop me from doing whatever I want with food.

Back on track.

After a bingey week, I'm finally back on track.  303 calories today, with a tiny dinner as a possibility.  Either way, I'll be running.  I didn't post last night because I felt strange.  Really strange.

I spent yesterday afternoon at E's house.  We re-dyed my hair, and it's a nice vibrant auburn again, instead of that shitty, faded out blonde.  I'll take better care of it this time, and hopefully it won't go back to my natural color any time soon.  After fixing my hair, I watched anxiously as she made dinner.  Brown rice and homemade tomato soup.  We were eating, and whining about how much we hated doing it.  I've known for a while that E is bulimic, but it surprised me when she said out loud, "God, I want to puke."  She knows I have issues with food too, so we joked for a while about going upstairs to her bathroom for "best friend bonding time."  And then the strangest thing at all.

Suddenly, I was standing outside her bathroom bouncing on my toes, waiting for her to finish up, listening to the sounds of splashing in the bathroom.  She opened the door, still swishing her mouthwash, when I pushed past her, turned on the sink, and fell to my knees.  I briefly spared a thought to how fucked up this was, but got the job done anyway.  We laughed nervously about it before walking around her neighborhood for a few miles.  We agreed to be fasting buddies.  She won't eat more than 1200 calories in a day, and complimented me when I said I'm terrified of eating over 800.

I feel like I lost some of my legitimacy at that moment.  I refuse to admit to an eating disorder.  I'm no better than those 13 year old wannarexics.  But the fact of the matter is, I do eat a lot less than I should, and I do throw up my meals about two times a week.  I smoke instead of eating.  I drink shit tons of water so my stomach doesn't growl.  There is something wrong with me.  But crazy people don't go find other crazy people to enjoy their craziness together.  I don't know.  I feel lost.

Time to run off this negativity.  I have a lot more to talk about, but this post is getting kind of long as is.

Where's your vigor?

Rotary luncheon kind of sucked today, as I knew it would.  I stood there in my lovely new dress, and felt no pride in my accomplishments.  I just felt fat.  The entire lunch, I battled feelings of loneliness and rejection because T was at my table and barely said a word to me.  I shouldn't be surprised; he barely talks to me anymore anyway.  But still.  I looked the nicest I've ever looked around him, and all he did was tease me because I couldn't keep up with his long strides in my heels.

We were walking to the busses, not talking as usual, when he blessed me with a few of us precious words. "Where's your vigor?" he said.

I looked down at my heels.  "Gone," I said, watching my dainty, lady-like steps.  "Dead."

"Get it back," he replied.  Then, he ran off to join his new best friend, the girl I've always been jealous of his close relationship with.

Maybe if I were thin, he would love me again?

Fat Cow

This weekend was full of conscious, purposeful sabotage.  Friday morning we left for the state capital for the MHSAA Debate State Championship.  But unfortunately, on the way there, the storms were awful.  We had to pull over halfway there because the tornado sirens were going off.  Half of me hoped we would see the tornado.  No one could have stopped me from running into it.  I would have flown.  But of course, the other half is much more rational, and cowered in the concrete pizza buffet with the rest of the team.  There is where I made a terrible decision.

I decided to not count calories for the remainder of the trip.  I would eat however much I wanted of whatever I wanted.  Let the gluttony begin.  Pizza, cookies, cupcakes, candy.  Delicious, delicious food.  And let me tell you, I felt great.  I was defying myself.  I was hurting myself.  And I finally had enough energy.  But of course, all good things must come to an end.  I gained 3 pounds in a single weekend, but I'm not surprised at all.  Today I will ease back into restricting.  

Oh, and it's time for the ultimate punishment.  You all will see my gigantic body.  I hope you can use it as reverse thinspo so something good can come out of this.

Flabby arms, bulging belly, ugly hair.  Why do I want to eat like a "normal" person?

The dress I have to wear tomorrow for the Rotary luncheon.  I'm so wide.  I'm going to look like a fat cow next to all of the beautiful people.

I'm sorry to anyone who thought I was an "inspiration."  Yes, I do my best to work off my binges, but that's no reason to admire me.  

Goal Weight 1: Check

I woke up this morning at 149.5 lbs.  That means I've reached my first goal weight.  I don't know how to feel about it.  It's like a birthday.  You wait up until midnight, eagerly awaiting midnight... and then the witching hour comes and you don't feel any differently.  I don't feel lighter.  In fact, I woke up this morning absolutely positive I'd gained.  I don't think it's "real" weight.  I've lost 3.5 pounds since Monday... that has to be water weight.  I bought my reward anyway.  It's a pretty purple new food journal.  However, to encourage me to keep it up, I won't let myself write in it until I've been at 150 or lower for three consecutive days.

My fast is going well enough.  28 hours in, 20 to go.  Tomorrow I leave for the state debate tournament, which means I'll be skipping lunch with the team.  I don't think I can do that without looking super suspicious.  Last time we ate out, I didn't order anything either.  I might make this a 40 hour fast again... that way I can eat with the team and avoid those suspicions.  Perhaps.

We're all meeting at A's house in about an hour to practice our pieces one more time before the tournament.  I know for a fact there will be cookies... send me skinnies, lovelies.  I'll need them.  Sweets are my biggest weakness.

And I might have broken my three month streak of being cut free last night.  Yeah...

Peanut Butter and Power Walking

In chemistry, I learned that all movement stops at zero degrees kelvin.  Virtually all particles cease vibration.  Even the building blocks of life come to a standstill.  And this is where I am in my life.  0K.  I can't remember the last time someone asked to spend time with me.  I keep inviting myself along, and regretting it as soon as I get there.  I am not included in conversations.  Fighting tears, I stand awkwardly along the fringes.  The harder I try to get involved, the more acutely I feel the sting of rejection.  I don't know if it's all in my head or what, but it hurts.  It hurts to be going nowhere, to have stopped moving.  It hurts to be at 0K.

Perhaps this is why I binged today.  And on peanut butter and cereal, too.  Ugh.  There's no way that was coming up, so I didn't even bother.  Instead, I put on a movie and power walked at a 30% incline through it.  My treadmill says I burned 630, so if I walk my way through another movie later, I'll have worked off the binge.  I need to do my daily crunches and shadowboxing, too.  I will work this horrible food off.  And for the love of God, NO MORE.  I ate at 1, so my fast will last until 1 on Friday.  I think I can hide the fact that I'm not eating for that long.  If not... fuck it.  Maybe then someone will look at me, and not through me.

I wanted to disappear... so why does it hurt so much?

Denial

My head hurts and my stomach is growling.  My body is weak weak weak weak weak.  It could live for months off its fat stores, and yet it still wants more.  My dad plans on making pancakes tonight.  I don't know what I'm going to do.  I can always skip the meal, claim to be not hungry.  But God, I'm so hungry.  No.  I can lie, even to myself.

@Lola - No, you never told me you were from Alabama.  It's good to see a fellow southerner on this site :D

Leg Thinspo? (:

Cautious Optimism

The storms have passed over Mississippi, and now the skies are beautiful.  Light shines down golden through the clouds, and I imagine that I am so light that the gusting wind can carry me away.  Perhaps one day.

My 40 hour fast went wonderfully.  I wasn't really hungry until around 37 hours, but that's because everyone eats in my third period.  A is usually digging into her salad behind me.  My debate parter K is eating a plethora of junk food that seemingly never goes to her waist.  Another kid is stuffing his face with one of those atrocious milk-'n'-cereal bars.  And still another girl is working her way through a Subway footlong.  There's just no way to escape the sights and smells and sounds of the food.  But I lasted until lunchtime, which is when I planned to break the fast anyway.  So I am pleased.

Intake: 
Water (1.5 liters and counting): 0
Tea (2 cups): 0
Diet Coke: 0
Tomato sandwich on light bread: 110
Apple: 80
Orange: 60
1 1/2 cups homemade veggie soup: ~135 (That's estimating really high)

Out:
15 minutes on treadmill: 170
Planned for later: 100 crunches, squats, and shadow boxing which equals about 87

It's 3 AM, and I must be lonely

It's nearly 2 in the morning, and I can't sleep.  My eyes are tired, but otherwise I'm wide awake.  I can hear my dad downstairs in the kitchen.  The fatass is going for his third midnight snack.  Silently, I scoff.  Fasting today was effortless.  It's never been this easy.  Ever.  I had three liters of water, a cup of tea, and a diet coke.  Who needs food?  Only now is my stomach growling, and that's probably more from the lack of sleep than anything.  I might continue this into tomorrow.  The longest fast I've ever done was right at 40 hours.  Right now, this one has been going on for 30.  I'm feeling confident right now, but let's see how I feel in the morning, when I'm groggy and irritable from lack of sleep.

I finished my last pack of cigarettes today.  I have to steal them from my dad, but since he's "quit" smoking right now, I'm shit out of luck.  It's a pity, too.  When I'm craving nicotine, I don't have any time to crave food.

Now, Ana-answer asked me for tips on purging.  Here's my tip: don't do it.  It seems like the perfect solution.  You can eat all you want, and not have to deal with any negative repercussions.  But that's a lie.  As a general rule of thumb, I assume that I've absorbed about half the calories I've put into my system, regardless of how fast I purge it out.  And some foods are impossible to get up.  Oh, and let's not forget the awful bloating that occurs.  When I'm done, my face swells to about twice its normal size which only makes me look fat fat fat.  And purging is just awful for your teeth and breath.  I don't mean to get preachy here, but it seriously is just a bad idea.  I understand that sometimes after a binge it's "necessary," but avoid it as much as possible.  

Have lovely dreams, girls <3

I pretend like I'm not counting the days.

109 without you.  In case you were wondering.  Sure we're "friends," but we both know that's to placate  my overwhelmingly suffocating need.  I can't be too upset, though.  You're doing so much better without me.  I'm taking your pictures and poems off the walls today... not that you'll come over again and see the difference.

Sorry about the deeply personal post... Here's some thinspo to make up for it.  Seems like an odd category, but how about skinny backs and butts? :)

SGD Day 13... Kinda.

Well, I had the ACT today.  That went well-ish... I have a 29, but I'm trying to break 30.  All I have to do is improve my math score.  Unfortunately, I don't think that happened.  But my essay was kick-ass, so I'm going to count it as breaking even.

I got home, and instantly shoved four Zebra Cakes into my face (640).  I ran upstairs and purged until all I could see and taste was bile.  Fuck.  I seem to be purging more and more lately.  I can't say that I'm proud of it.  I wish I had the strength to just restrict, but when I can't, I at least have a back up plan.  I'm on a water and tea fast for the rest of the day, and I have to work out at least twice.

I don't know if I should count this as a failure for the SGD or not.  If I do, I probably won't start over for at least a week, and that could be problematic.  But if I don't, I continue and feel as if I've failed the entire time.  I think the only way I'll let myself continue is if I fast all day today and tomorrow.  I'm just not sure.  I would appreciate opinions.  

Fuckitall.

Got home from school and binged on a cup of yellow rice (~200).  Tried to purge it up, but nothing came out.  Anyone else have trouble getting up bread products?  Any tips?  So SGD is a bust again today.  Fuckitall.  My personal rule with diets is that if I break them three days in a row, I have to start over.  I hope that doesn't happen.

Tonight includes dinner with A and her best friend, which will suck.  Oh don't get me wrong, I'll enjoy their company, but the food.  Meh.  I broke the plateau today, so I'm down one pound.  I doubt it after tonight.  I was planning on cooking this mushroom soup recipe I found (51 cals a cup), but instead I'll fast tomorrow.  Or maybe I can make it a liquid fast and fast on that soup.  I think that'd work.  But ugh.  I feel like shit right now.  Sorry to be so negative all the time, lovelies.  I'm so hard on myself, and I think it comes out way too much.

@Rowan - Writing as if you'd already binged sounds like a wonderful idea.  I might have to try that sometime.

@heiscertainlyworthit - I'm sorry if my post was triggering in any way.

I hate restaurants.

Ugh.  Dinner with the family, and I had this garden quesadilla which I'm estimating (high) at 600.  Today was a 500 day on the SGD, but I had a 210 cal breakfast.  I could live with the damage, except the meal sent me into full-blown binge mode.  I'm confining myself to my room.  But food.  I want food.  Ice cream.  Toast with nutella.  Peanut butter.  Bowls upon bowls upon bowls of cereal.  Moon pies.  Marshmallows.  Chocolate bars.  Full fat hot chocolate.  Gallons of milk.  Twix bar after Twix bar.  Bananas covered in chocolate.  Cupcakes.  Scones.  Giant blueberry muffins.

I'm sorry about listing all the food.  It just helps me get the cravings out.  I will eat nothing more.  I've already had two liters of water, but I'm aiming for half a liter more.  Maybe this will get me off this dreaded plateau.  Oh, I hope so.

Edit: Added up the total intake for today.  Just over 1000.  I don't feel quite as guilty anymore, although it's still much too high.  And the urge to binge has gone.  Totally blew the SGD today, but oh well.  Tomorrow is a new day.

I will be stronger for this.

This is endless.

I punched the treadmill to a stop, foregoing my cool down.  As the belt stopped I doubled over, gasping for air.  Sickened, I watched my fat stomach as I breathe.  In, out, in out.  The fat sucks in and out, like a trampoline.  I closed my eyes, wanting to crawl into a hole and starve myself for months.

Unfortunately, that won't be an option.  Uncle J and Aunt B left last night, but Uncle D and Aunt L are still  in town, so we're going out for dinner.  This yummy fattening little Mexican place on the other side of town.  I don't know what I'm supposed to get, especially now that I'm vegetarian again.  At the very least, the damage will be around 300.  I've been stuck at 155 since Sunday, so I don't know if I should just say fuck it and hope the weight gain increases my metabolism or if I should order a garden salad, which would look crazy sketchy.  And it's not like I could purge it out.  I thought of that, but my sister always follows me into the bathroom.  I guess I'll just have to remember, take twice as long to eat half as much.  


On the bright side, I made Rotary Scholar this year.  I have no fucking clue how.  Rotary Scholar is an honor bestowed on the top 25 in the class for that year, but I'm 85th in the class.  I'm so confused.  But in a good way.  I kind of needed recognition for something.  I feel like I'm failing at everything I attempt, so I guess this is a little sign that I'm not.

I am awake; I am alive.

Some family from Indiana arrived today.  I usually hate their company, but this year they seem more tolerable.  Especially Uncle D.  I never realized how likable he is.  Aunt B is a rarity in our family.  Tall, thin, and stylish.  Everyone else is short and squishy, soft, pale, and doughy.  We look like the definition of white middle-class.  I will look like Aunt B one day.  I swear it.

We sat outside by the fire pit for a long time.  They all made s'mores, but I resisted.  My smile never slipped as I declined, even as I was salivating for just a morsel of chocolate.  I couldn't have eaten one if I wanted to, anyway.  Marshmallows contain gelatin, and gelatin is a big no-no for vegetarians.  

My sister was running around, snapping pictures.  In them, I noticed I have developed a single thin body part: my neck.  It is long, pale, and slender.  I am the ugly duckling, slowly developing into a swan.  It seems strange that my neck and collarbones would appear first.  I can't stop touching the hollowness my collarbones form when I shrug my shoulders.  I am still 155 pounds.  I shouldn't be developing skinny girl parts yet.  I feel like I'm cheating, going out of order.  Not that I'm complaining, of course (:  The only bad part is that my boobs are shrinking.  I knew it would happen because I always lose weight in my tits first, but I didn't expect to drop back down to a B cup quite yet.  Oh well.

SGD Day 9

I'm getting so close to my first goal weight I can taste it.  Just five more pounds.  I should be halfway there by the end of the week.  I can't decide what I want my reward to be, though.  I'll either get myself a pretty new food journal because my old one is falling apart, or I'll get an armband for my iPod for running.  Hmm.  What do you guys think?

I'm doing well today.  Better than yesterday.  Although I did have one scary moment at lunch.  T asked me what I was having for lunch.  I told him that I'd already eaten an orange before he sat down.  He gave me a not this shit again look.  "You need to eat more than that," he said.  "It's not healthy."  I argued that an orange was perfectly healthy.  Then he gave me the whole, "You need to eat more to keep your metabolism high" speech.  To pacify him, I ate the banana I had planned to eat at debate practice.  Whatever.  Fruits and veggies don't count on the SGD, so I'm not all that concerned.  I was really nervous that he was about to make me eat his fries.  He's done that before, and it ended up with me almost getting caught puking in the bathroom.  Not a pretty situation.  I need to learn to purge quietly.

Hungry, Hungry Hippo

Despite a substantial breakfast (2 pieces light toast with honey), I was dizzy and shaky all day today.  I had eaten, so I didn't even connect it with hunger.  I thought I was genuinely sick, until at lunchtime when I ate my cup of soup and felt instantly better.  I am weak.  Pathetic.  Yesterday was a 650 calorie day, too.  The scale was up half a pound this morning because of it.  What is wrong with me?

I'm still hungry.  After school I had an orange and a cup of peppermint tea, but my stomach still growls.  I hate this.  I am a slave to gluttony.  I will run to punish my weak body.  It must learn that it is not in control.  This is a mind game, and I will win.

Quod me nutrit me destruit.

Posting three times in a day, I know.  You don't have to read.  I'm just so sad and alone in this world.  I have this huge psychology paper, and I'm not even going to attempt it.  I'm just so tired and miserable.  I need someone, but that is precisely the problem.

I need, but am not needed.
I want, but am not wanted.

I feel so dispensable.  So useless.  And it's not like I have no friends.  E wanted me to come over today, but I declined.  I can't deal with physical closeness right now.  Debate Boy texted me a few different times, which is weird since I added him on facebook and found out he's got a girlfriend.  Whatever.  I'm not interested anyway.  I think he's just overly friendly, and I'm desperate for any kind of attention from anyone so I'm misinterpreting.

I don't have anyone to talk to really, so here I am rambling to strangers.  I am the cat in Shrodinger's box.  I am alone in my sealed hell with my poison.  Won't someone open the lid and discover if I am alive or dead?  I don't even know myself.  Both possibilities exist simultaneously.  The urge to self-injure is so strong.  I've been resisting, but I don't know for how much longer.  I smoked a cigarette this afternoon, and that helped some.  I think I might smoke another around midnight if I'm still awake and still consumed by this self-destructive melancholy.  I am a miserable piece of shit, but won't someone care anyway?

Blackbean Burger with Mushrooms and Pineapple Sauteed in Soy Sauce

I just made this, and it was soooo good.  All you do is throw a few chopped up mushrooms and pineapple chunks into a skillet with a dash of soy sauce.  Sauté until the mushrooms and pineapple are cooked through, and then move the mixture to a plate.  Take a blackbean burger patty (like from Morning Star), and warm in the skillet.  As the burger is finishing, throw the mushroom and pineapple mixture back on top to let the flavors marry.

It's tasty, filling, and best of all, low cal.

Morning Star Blackbean Burger: 120
4 sliced mushrooms: ~10
A handful of pineapple chunks: ~25
1 tbs of Soy Sauce: 5

You get a full meal for somewhere around 160 cal.  I wouldn't eat it on a low-cal day, but the SGD has bestowed me with a whole 650 calories today, so this was perfect.  I thought it was too delicious to not share :)

SGD Day 7

So when I arrived home, one of the first things my dad told me was, "I got all that healthy shit you wanted."  So when he left for work, I decided to make breakfast.  He forgot the celery, the carrots, the oranges, the vegetarian vegetable soup, and the low-cal bread.  Instead, he got cauliflower, which I don't even like.  Fuckin' a, man.  I've already worked out once today, so I guess I'll go to the store before I run again.  I think I'll eat half a can of soup first, so I don't shop hungry.  If I do, I'll grab a chocolate bar on the way out or something.  I don't trust myself.

E texted me today to say that she's lost six pounds over March.  I congratulated her, but inside I am such a bitch.  In my head, I was gloating.  I've lost four pounds on the first week of the SGD alone.  I think she started purging again, though.  She initially lost a stone doing it, but decided it was "unhealthy."  She's the only real life friend who knows that I've ever purged, but I told her it happened "only once."  What a lie.  Purging isn't my favorite, but I'm not afraid to do so when the need arises.

On a more personal note, there was a guy at the debate tournament.  He was cute, tall, geeky, and we had about five billion different things in common.  I tried really, really, really hard to like him.  But no... I can't see myself having for feelings for anyone besides T.  And that kind of scares me.

Home at last.

So, just got back from the debate tournament.  I did better this time.  I made it through four rounds of my IE.  It scares me because I'm taking this piece to nationals.  I'm already qualified.  But dear God, I'm not very good.  I've only competed in this event twice.  Me going to nationals is a fluke.  It has to be.  I qualified on my first time.  I'm so fucking scared of June.  I'm really not surprised or disappointed that I was knocked out of the competition.  Everyone in my last panel was so good.  Even though I felt like I'd performed my piece better than ever before, everyone else was just as good and obviously better.

Today was a big failure in terms of the SGD.  I'm not surprised.  At debate tournaments, it's so hard to stay in budget.  All you have to eat are concession stand foods (pizza, burgers, ice creams, candy, etc).  I look everywhere for fruits and veggies, but there are never any to be found.  So eventually I get so hungry that when I finally do get dinner I overindulge.  But that's okay.  Tomorrow is a new day.  And I promise I'll burn off every extra calorie.

It's 2:30 in the morning, and I really should be in bed.  Instead, I'm reveling in the feeling of aloneness.  I can sit and just be.  I'm not sharing a room with A and Skinny Bitch.  I really shouldn't call her that.  She's one of the nicest people I've ever met.  I'm just so jealous that her thighs don't touch.  I really am the fattest active member of the debate team.  It makes me so angry.  Maybe one of the guys is bigger, but he doesn't count.  He's a guy.  Guys can be bigger.  I don't feel like there's the same kind of pressure there, you know?

I'll try to get to catching up on all your blogs, but it's late and I can hardly focus.  So I doubt I will.  Just wish me luck that the scale doesn't rise tomorrow morning because of today's atrocious count.

@Ullalexi, that picture wasn't me.  It was just a piece of thinspo.  I wish it was me, though.  One day, perhaps? (:

I want my thighs to not squish out when I kneel like that.

one day.

Early Morning

It's 6:30, and I'm posting instead of eating breakfast.  There's another debate tournament this weekend, and that means lots of delicious nasty, fatty foods.  We'll be eating out every meal.  I just know I'll go over on calories.  I really really really hope we don't stop at another burger place for lunch.  I always get strange looks for ordering a salad.  A's mother has an eating disorder, so luckily she doesn't see my behavior as strange, just part of life.  But despite my efforts to eat normally, I'll always let something slip.

Like yesterday, a few of us were discussing favorite junk foods.

Guy: Oh my God, you know what I love?  Butter on the back of poptarts.  So.freaking.good.
Skinny Bitch: I thought I was the only one who did that!  They're so good!
Guy 2: Why would you butter a poptart?  It adds nothing to the flavor.
Me: Why would you even eat a poptart?  You do know that there are 800 calories in a pack, right?
Guy 2: How would you even know how many calories are in a pack of poptarts?
Me: How would you not?
Skinny Bitch: Lol, I don't count calories.

I have to be more careful.  I'm still fat, so no one would ever suspect anything.  But I have to get shit under control, and look like everything's fine.  Well, I have to go pack my toiletries, so wish me luck this weekend, guys.