Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Nicotine Fueled Ramblings

It's one AM, and I'm sitting, shivering by an open window, waiting for the tell-tale smell of cigarette smoke to fade.  I hate going back to my old habits, my old vices.  I can't remember a period in my life when I didn't dabble in a self-destructive behavior at some point.  I bear the scars, nicotine-stained teeth, and abrupt weight-loss to prove it.  I don't know how to cope if I'm not destroying myself in some way.  "Destroy what destroys you."  I guess I know that the one thing that holds true power over me is my cluttered, disordered mind.  I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder.  I'm sure EDNOS would quickly follow if I told my therapist about my eating habits.  I don't know.  Maybe I will.  Probably I won't.

Tomorrow I'll clean up and go get my sister's birthday present.  I'm going to get her Candyland, our favorite game when we were little.  I'm looking forward to it, for I haven't left this house in days.  I haven't left this room in almost as long, except to do laundry.  I think when I'm out, I'll pick up some diet pills.  Hopefully I'll be able to find some effective, wallet-friendly ones.  Suggestions?

I miss T.  I wanted him to come over today, but he was babysitting.  I still love him, and sometimes it seems like he still loves me.  But other times it seems like he's letting me down easily, giving me time to absorb the shock of losing the one thing that really mattered in my life.  In one of the many climactic fights leading to our eventual demise, he basically called me worthless, told me that I fucked up the last year and five months of his life.  He apologized.  Kind of.  He says dumb stuff in fights.  Most of the time I can ignore it because the claims are, to be frank, ridiculous.  But those hit home.  I don't think I'll ever forget them.  Do you know the pain of being considered worthless by the person who means the most to you?  Obviously he doesn't really think I'm a worthless fuckup.  He wouldn't still be making an effort to keep our friendship alive.  I know him.  If he truly considered a person worthless, he'd have nothing more to do with her.  But I cannot forget.  And he wonders why I can't sleep anymore.

I binged tonight.  So much for the water fast.  Around six o'clock I knew I wasn't going to make it, so I made myself an egg white and baby spinach leaf omelet (~23), but once I let food into my body, I couldn't stop eating.  The damage was around 1,000 calories.  I'm disgusting.  A pig.  A whale.  Luckily today I'd burned off over 800 in various forms of excerise, and I drank over three liters of water, so hopefully that will mitigate some of the inevitable weight gain, but still.  Not good enough.  The worst part is, half the time I catch my reflection in a mirror, I'm proud.  There is a distinctive figure, a womanly shape to my body.  I am no longer a round ball of lard.  But I don't get to be proud yet.  I'm still fat.  I'm still obese.  I'm still the ugly fat friend.  I cannot lose control of this, too.  This is the only thing I have left in my life.  Everything else has been taken from me.

1 comment:

  1. I have a disordered mind too...I guess I'm too scared to go to any therapist and I wanna keep everything inside. I hope you will be fine and acieve the things you would like to. I guess weight loss is a way out form the bigger problems a thing that can make us feel succesful. I feel like a crap if I fail in it. I know I fail only if I give don't give up on any of your dreams.
    good luck and have pretty days ^^