Thinspiration

Tiny, delicate, and fragile

I swear that one day we will all be thin and perfect

We just have to work for it

This is not the time to give up

Rather, tomorrow is a new month.  It's time to try harder.

We can do this.

Remember, you don't want to look like this.  Sadly, these are all girls I know in real life.  They are all stared at, laughed at, judged.  Do you want to be like that?

Food Cravings

Fit the calorie limit today, so no complaints there.  But I'm literally craving everything bad in the book.  I want Twinkies.  A moon pie.  Chocolate.  Graham crackers.  Nutella.  Bread.  God, I miss bread.  It's been days since I had a slice.  I just can't work it into my daily caloric limit.  I was going to have a piece of dry toast tonight, but a friend made cupcakes, and for some reason, I had one.  It was small, and insignificant, but I could have had a piece of goddamn bread instead.  And soup.  I want soup.  Stupid fucking cupcake.

Something bad happened to someone in T's family.  I don't know who or what.  He posted a brief status about it but hasn't answered my texts.  I'm really fucking worried.  If you're the praying type, I'd appreciate it.  I'm not myself, but I always pray anyway.  I guess I can't escape my Christian upbringing, even if I don't believe in any of it anymore.

The plan for tomorrow is to focus on the positive, pray for T and his family, eat less, and do awesome at my speech events.  Right.  Right.  Ugh.  Panic.


Update: The situation with T has been resolved.  No one was hurt.  Just a clusterfuck of drama.  I'm so relieved, but I still feel sick and my heart is still racing.  I think I'll post some thinspo to calm myself down.

Coasting

Today's been really nice food-wise.  I only ate breakfast and a banana after school.  It's my usual dinnertime, but I'm not hungry.  I guess I'll work out instead.

I had an opportunity to spend time with T today, but I missed it.  I was out getting my new glasses and my license renewed.  I hate missing any opportunities.  Ever since we broke up, we barely spend any time together.  I know.  Silly me.  That's what a breakup means.  But I miss him.

I feel like I'm coasting through life.  Just existing on the edges of society.  I sort of like it this way.  I'm not sad.  I'm not really angry.  I'm not anything.  I take up space.  I have matter.  I must exist.  But do I?

It's Shrodinger's cat.  Is it alive?  Is it dead?  You'll never know until you open the box.  Does the girl truly live?  Can you know until she dies?

SGD Day 2

It's a 300 cal day, and I've done quite well.

In:
1 packet oatmeal: 130
Banana: 105
10 Almonds: 70
4 carrot sticks: 20
Apple: 80
Sliced kiwi: ~50
2 egg whites with spinach and tomato: 78
Frozen banana: 105

I love eating frozen bananas.  If you freeze them right when they're about to go bad, they taste deliciously sweet and creamy.  It's a good sweets replacement when you're on a diet that doesn't make you count fruits and veggies.  I'm still craving something, though.  I'm not sure what.  I want something with texture.  Solid.  I've only had 236 cals that need to be counted, but today is kind of high despite that because today is a rest day.  I don't know.  Maybe I'll snack on some cheerios.  I'd still be under 300 if I ate half a cup.  I don't know.  I don't know.  I don't know.

But things are going well weight-wise.  I pulled a random pair of jeans out of the drawer, and was out of the house before I realized they were a size smaller than what I usually wear.  So that made for a good morning.

If it's the past you love, then that's where you can stay.

Day one of SGD went well.  I deviated from the food plan, but I was still well within the calorie range of the day.  I ate 396 of my 400, excluding fruits and veggies so go me.  Tomorrow will be a bit more difficult at 300 calories, but I feel like I can do it.  The problem right now is E.  She keeps making all these cupcakes, and it's all I can do to throw them away when she's not looking.  T keeps giving me funny looks when I only pick at my lunch, too.  But whatever.  If they cared about me, they'd actually act like they give a damn.  That's not fair.  They do.  I just push them away.

Truth be told, I don't want any friends.  I don't want to be cared about.  I want to quietly slip away to college, where no one will know my name.  I can be the tragically thin girl with the pensive expression.  For the longest time I've whole-heartedly believed that I will die at the rip old age of 22.  Strange, no?  I want to be alone when that happens.  Completely, utterly alone.

Excuse my ramblings.  I'm just really sad tonight.

Skinny Girl Diet - Day 1

I've been up since just past midnight, which explains for the early posting.  I plan on starting the Skinny Girl Diet (which from henceforth shall be known simply as 'SGD') today.  400 cal, not counting fruits and veggies.  Since most of what I eat constitutes as fruits and veggies, this diet actually leaves a lot of wiggle room.

Meal plan for today:

Breakfast: 
Green tea: 0
Cup of Cereal: Between 160 and 200, depending on the brand
3/4 cup of 1% milk: 75

Lunch: 
Apple: 80
Celery Sticks: 20
10 Almonds: 70

Snack:
Banana: 105

Dinner: 
Spinach leaves with 1 cal spray dressing: 25

Planned total: 575
SGD total: 350 of 400

I really think this diet will work for me.  Wish me luck, girls (:

BingePurge

Binge:

1/2 flour tortilla (~60)

Small tomato + Spinach + 1/3 cup brown rice: 115

1 cup cereal + 1 cup milk: 260

Nutrigrain bar: 120

Binge Total: 555

Purge:

Nutrigrain bar

All of the spinach

Most of the tomato

About half the rice

The milk

I didn't see any of the cereal or the tortilla.  Not surprised.  They're "sticky" foods.

Failurefailurefailurefailurefailurefailure 

Waste of Time

I wanted to go get new glasses today, but once my dad made me drive all the way across town, I parked the car, only to discover that the place was closed.  Fantastic.  My glasses broke last week, and I've been relying on my contacts, which I absolutely hate, but I have no choice right now.

I haven't eaten since around noon yesterday, so this fast is a lot longer than I realized.  No wonder this fast is so much more difficult than usual.  I have no problem with 24 hour fasts, but I passed that mark hours ago.  Passing through the kitchen, I ate a tiny piece of lox without even realizing (33).  So now I guess I'll hop on the treadmill for half an hour, if not longer.  Actually, I think I'll just go until I collapse.  Seems fitting.

I hate myself.

Water fast

It's 9 AM.  I don't plan on eating anything again until 9 AM tomorrow.  That'll be hard for me because that means no breakfast before school, but it's necessary.  This is only going to be a short post with a little thinspo because I needed to check in with you all.  I need you to hold me accountable.

Homebird

I just got back from the debate tournament.  I feel like such a fat, fat failure.  First off, the meet was double-down elimination, which means two losses and you're out of the running.  My partner and I lost our first two debates.  Fuuuuck.  I can't even figure out what we did wrong in the second debate.  Our first was obvious... we completely ignored their first contention.  Stupid stupid stupid.  But the second we should have won.  The only thing I can think of was that I brought up new information in the final focus, but the other pair made more grievous sins than that.

And our team eats so much.  We stopped at this amazing burger place, and fatty here ate the whole thing up.  There's no way that meal was under 900 calories.  And today I've had cookies and pizza and more.  I'm fasting tomorrow.  On Monday, I'll start the Skinny Girl diet, without counting fruit and veggie calories.

I almost got caught purging in the restroom, too.  I had just finished this really delicious chicken salad sandwich, and I realized I had to pee.  Once I was in the bathroom, I couldn't help myself.  I got about half of it up before I remembered what a precarious situation I was in.  I was just washing the evidence off my hand when another girl from our team walked in.  That's the closest I've ever come to being caught doing something ED related in real life.  It honestly scared the shit out of me.

Well, I had a Java Monster on the ride up (too many calories), so while I have my energy boost, I think I'll take a run, try and negate some of the damage that's been done.  I doubt it's possible.  I'm not even going to total up this weekend's calories.  I'm such a failure.  When I'm done with my workout, I'll catch up on your blogs.  If anyone wants to join me on the Skinny Girl diet, that would be lovely (:

My new best friend

His name is Oliver, and I need no one else

Someone Throw Shamu Back In the Ocean

Debate tournament tomorrow.  I'm actually sort of nervous for this one.  It's a National Forensics League (NFL) tournament, which means it's a national qualifiers.  I already qualified for the Catholic Forensics League tournament in Dramatic Interpretation, but I'm actually trying for debate this time, which in my opinion is a lot harder.    I wrote the cases this week, and patched up all the holes last night.  I think I'll polish some more tonight, then email my cases to my parter, K.

I'm all packed and ready to go.  I hate the way suits look on me, and I still don't know how to walk in heels.  I feel so fat, like a beached whale.  Hi, I'm Cellulite Sally, look at my huge badonkadonk.  Oh, don't forget about me, Backfat Betty.  Who could have said that?  Oh yeah, it's TINA THE TALKING TUMMY.

Points to you if you get that reference.

The Zoo

Today was the field trip to the zoo.  Honestly, I couldn't have cared less about the zoo.  I just wanted to spend an entire day with T.  We haven't done that in so long.  On the bus ride there and back, he let me sleep on his shoulder, and one time I even woke up to find his head resting on mine.  Little moments like that just don't happen anymore, and they make me all warm and fuzzy inside when they do.  I know he still has feelings for me; he's said so himself.  And neither of us are interested in anyone else yet, so why shouldn't we kiss goodbye?  I feel like I'm setting myself up for more heartbreak, but right now, things feel right.

I did a lot of walking today.  I wore my dad's pedometer, and it said over seven miles.  Most of it was at a moderate/brisk pace, so that's about 670 calories, just spent enjoying time with T.  Why can't every day be like this?  Intake was a little high, which is to be expected when eating out.  942 for the day if I don't eat anything else.  So that's a net of 272 for the day.  Go me.  I'm really craving some chocolate or some peanut butter, but I think I'll just go look at some thinspo and stay strong.

Have a lovely night, girls <3

When You're Through Thinking, Say Yes

Yellowcard's new album is perfect.  The end.

I got home from therapy about an hour ago.  It was a pretty decent session.  We talked a lot about the stress I'm under, that I put myself under.  She seemed a bit concerned about how much I've been working out, but I told her that it was just to cover my anxiety issues.  Running really does keep my anxiety level down, but I love watching the little calorie ticker go up as I press on.

I think I have a new favorite meal plan for the day.  Breakfast is a cup of Special K with 1% milk.  Lunch is a green apple, with celery sticks to munch on throughout the school day.  Dinner is a salad with 1 cal per spray dressing.  Overall, that's 395 for the day.  I think this plan will work for me.  I feel a little hungry, but that'll go away when I run.

Tomorrow, my intake will be shot to hell.  My school's science club will be going to the zoo in a nearby city.  I'm really excited for the break from school, and for T to be there.  But I'm worried about the kind of food that'll be there.  I'm guessing it'll be pizzas and hotdogs and chicken nuggets and other calorie laden little morsels.  Hopefully they'll have a salad because I can't get away with not eating.  T watches me too closely.

Edit: I'm dying for a bit of peanut butter, but my intake today is so great, I don't think I want to risk it.

Okay, so seven facts about myself.

1.  I have major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder.  I was diagnosed with Bipolar II for a couple years, but that was revoked a couple months ago.

2.  I have trouble listening to music.  It makes me feel too much.

3.  Almost everything I've learned, National Geographic has taught me.

4.  I used to want to be a psychologist until I realized I can't relate to people.  I haven't quite decided what I want to do next.

5.  I have a stuffed blue monkey that I can't sleep without.  I've never named it.

6.  I love to read.  This year, I'm writing down every book I read so I can look over it at the end of the year.

7.  About two months ago, I dyed my hair auburn.  I'm still not sure if I like it.

And now, I nominate:

Determined Girl at taste-thin.blogspot.com

The_Dark_Knight at notanotherteendiet.blogspot.com

Meg at perfectbyana.blogspot.com

Charr at allieverwantedwasthis.blogspot.com

Isobel at countdowntoskinny.blogspot.com

Kitty T at questforsizezero.blogspot.com

Ellie at theemptyplatebrigade.blogspot.com

Thanks again to Determined Girl and Jackie for nominating me :)  It feels good to be back at blogging after such a long absence, and I'm glad to know I haven't totally lost my touch.

(My current favorite thinspo)

Short-Sleeves

Okay, so this might not seem like such a big deal to you guys, but I wore a short-sleeved shirt to school today.  It's the first time since my freshman year.  Since then it's been hoodies and long-sleeved shirts.

I started self-injuring October 2008.  My arms were covered with scars.  The tops of my arms are still covered in raised, white marks.  My lower arms, though... those are passable.  Don't get me wrong, there are still very noticeable scars, but thanks to the miracles of Mederma and makeup, I can make them look... normal.  Like anyone else's arms.  And my forearms have always been one of my best features: thin and creamy and dainty.

I'm not "over" cutting.  I don't know if I ever will be.  Hell, I even slipped up last month.  But for the most part, I've quit.  And you have no idea how beautiful it feels to wear a short-sleeve shirt on an 80 degree day until you've deprived yourself of the feeling for over two years.  So yeah, it's been a good day.

Back to Routine

School started back today.  I forgot how taxing the days are, and how much homework the teachers always give after a vacation.  I have Statistics, US History, Psychology, Chemistry, and more.  Ugh.  Shoot me.  Right after I finish up this post, I'll have to attack mountain of books.  Even worse, I had an appointment with the optometrist after school, so I lost an hour there.  I have therapy after school tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to it.  I don't go often enough for my liking.  Even though my therapist doesn't know anything about my eating issues, she helps with the depression, anxiety, lack of self-esteem, and more.  She really is wonderful.

I enjoy having routine to my days.  It's always so much easier to eat well on a schedule.  Most days, breakfast is a cup of cereal with 1% milk, an apple for lunch, celery sticks for snack, and something low-cal for dinner.  I was naughty tonight.  A cup of brown rice with soy sauce (~240).  I'll usually allow myself a banana if I'm still hungry, but I think I'll be fine tonight.

On a more personal note, Yellowcard's new album comes out tomorrow.  I am so fucking excited.  I'll probably wake up early just so I can download it before school.  Yellowcard has been one of my favorite bands since the seventh grade.  They're really the only band I've carried with me throughout my entire adolescence, especially when my music taste shifted from hard emo shit to softer, more whiney emo shit.  Not that Yellowcard is emo shit.  They're actually much more upbeat than what I usually listen to.  Perhaps that's why I love them so much.

The ever lovely Determined Girl at taste-thin  awarded me with the Versatile Blogger award, and I'll write that post later.  Probably tomorrow.  Wish me luck with my paper for AP Psych, girls.  I'll need it.

Too much.

I can't wait until my sister's birthday cake is gone.  I had a piece this morning, and I hate myself for it.  It tasted so good, but I'll bet thin tastes better.  I'll never know if I keep being a fatass and shoving cake into my mouth.  The only other food I've had is a cup of cooked mushrooms, and I've already burned the cake off on the treadmill, but still.  I feel so guilty about it.  Especially since tonight's dinner will be pasta.  Ugh.  Fat fat fat.  I want to get back on the treadmill, but I'm so sore from yesterday and today.  Maybe I'll wait an hour, see how I feel.

My dad's at work, and my sister's about to leave for church, and that is very very bad.  When I'm alone in the house, I binge.  And I binge.   And then I binge some more.  Worse case scenario, I purge and do my best to keep today's net calories under a thousand through excerise.  Under a thousand is not good enough. I usually try to keep it under 800.

On the bright side, my legs are looking better.  My thighs have always been the bane of my existence, but running has helped them so much.  They're still huge, massive.  I want to cry when I look at them.  But I cannot deny that they are smaller than they were.  I want to measure them, but I think I would break down if I did.  I hate my body, everything about it.  I wish I could just got away my flesh and fat and leave a pretty, pure skeleton.

A Little Better

I'm so appreciative of everyone's lovely comments last night.  My head was in a terrible place, yet you girls still managed to make me smile.  You are all beautiful, lovely people.  Truly.

A showed up last night around midnight.  She feels terribly sick, poor thing.  She puked all over my bathroom around 2 AM, and then cleaned it all up without ever waking me.  Although I did wake up to a pile of puke-y rags, but those can just go in a washer.  I hope she starts to feel better.  She looks so pathetic and tiny when she's sick.  She's currently curled up on my window seat watching Dirty Jobs.

School starts back tomorrow and I have a giant worksheet to do for AP Statistics.  Whoops.  So today will consist of watching TV with A, that worksheet, and a jog.  And trying really hard not to think or feel.

Worthless

Worthless
             Worthless
                          Worthless
                                       Worthless

I'll never amount to anything.  Nothing.  No one gives a shit about me.  I hate myself, everything about me.  I'm full of flaws, short on virtues.  Fat, ugly, unintelligent, clingy, sad, pathetic.   Worthless piece of shit.

I don't even deserve to be alive.  I don't want to be.  And yet I am.

Worthless.

Shopping

Back down to 160, even after yesterday's atrocious calorie count (1516).  It's probably because I hopped on the treadmill and refused to get off until my net calorie count for the day was below 1000.

Today I have to take my sister shopping.  She still hasn't found an Easter dress.  Last time we looked for a dress for her, it ended with her fighting tears in the dressing room because she couldn't fit into a size 15.  She makes me so mad sometimes.  Either accept your size, or do something about it.  If she's going to be lazy, she's going to be fat.  But if she actually got off her ass and ran every now and stopped eating so much crap, she'd get thinner.  It's simple.

I need a new outfit for an upcoming debate tournament, so today won't be a total waste.  I wish I could wait to shop until I was down a size or two, but there's just no time.  The tournament is this weekend.  Speaking of which, I really need to write my pro case.  The topic is incredibly interesting this month, but I just can't bring myself to care about anything.  I gave my outlines to my partner so she can write the case for once, but she can't write worth shit, so I really better go ahead and do it.

If I was tiny, my debate clothes would look so much better, and I could be that much more intimidating when I speak.  My powerful words coming from a tiny little body.  Maybe we'd win more than half our debates if I were tiny.  It doesn't make sense, but does anything? 

Dreadful.

A has been over all day.  In fact, she's coming back over later.  We've just spent all day watching TV and being lazy.  I want to run so badly.  I get all antsy when I do nothing, but she seems to love it.  Of course, she's super busy all the time, juggling dozens of extracurriculars, but still.  Did I also mention she's tiny?  A lovely size two, and she doesn't even have to try.  I feel monstrous compared to her, especially since she's a couple inches shorter than me.

The cake situation last night wasn't so bad.  My sister didn't want more than a few bites, so we shared a piece.  I made the cake with diet sprite like I did the cupcakes, and she never knew.  She wanted to go to Sonic though.  Ugh.  She scarfed down a blast and tots.  I had this strawberry smoothie thing, but it just tasted...fake.  Like artificial sweetener and sugary strawberry yogurt.  So I gave the rest to her.  I'm taking her out for sushi tonight.  I'm so excited about it.  I absolutely adore sushi, even if it is a bit caloric.  I feel like all the health benefits outweigh the calories.  They don't, but I'm going to pretend they do for my own sanity.

I found this really great Wishbone dressing in the back of my refrigerator.  It's this raspberry vinaigrette that's only 1 cal a spray.  So a bowl of spinach leaves with a couple sprays of that is only 22 calories.  I think I've found my new favorite lunch.

Edit:  I took my sister out for sushi.  I ate way too much and felt sick.  So I went to the furthest bathroom and purged.  I was afraid to get everything out because I know how sound carries in this house.  Sushi is an easy food to explain away, though.  Luckily, she hasn't said anything yet.  I'm just horrible at purging.  It takes so long and I can never get everything up.  Oh well.  Practice makes perfect, right?  I still feel sick and full and disgusting.  I'll find a movie and power walk through it or something.  I feel too full to run.  My throat is still burning from the wasabi making its way back up my esophagus.  I just feel awful.

Let them eat cake.

E is back from New York City.  I'm so glad.  I missed her so much.  And A is back from Atlanta.  I spent the day with E, which was nice.  I needed some human interaction after the long, boring week I've had.  Unfortunately, we ate all day.  I'm afraid to total up the damage.  We made rainbow cupcakes, which ordinarily I used to love.  And I won't lie.  I still do.  But they're just so awful for you.  Luckily, we made them diet.  Did you know that instead of using oil, water, and eggs in cake mix, you can use a can of diet sprite?  It tastes just as good, and even stays moist longer.  One cupcake is about 70 calories.  We made them in this super mini pan, so each cupcake was around a fifth the size of a regular cupcake.  So I'd say they're 15 cals a piece?  And I ate five or six, and some of the batter.  All of that wouldn't be so bad, but then we went out for Mexican.  Ugh.  Mushroom quesidilla, and that had cheese in it.  So I don't even want to know.  Like, 500?  Fat, fat, fat.

Now, I'm baking AGAIN.  My little sister wants her cake at midnight, so guess who has to stay up and bake?  And of course, I'll be a bad sister if I don't indulge.  To purge or not to purge?  That is the question. I can never do it quietly, and my sister and I have a Jack-and-Jill bathroom, which means we share a toilet and shower.  Maybe the downstairs bathroom?  I don't know...

Today's intake has been pretty decent.  I made these vegetarian spinach and mushroom enchiladas for dinner.  They were surprisingly low cal, and absolutely delicious.  In fact, the only significant calories came from the tortilla itself and the cheese, which could easily be omitted.  The only other ingredients were Ragu light (50 cal for 1/2 cup), baby spinach (20 for 1/2 cup), mushrooms (15 cal for a cup), and chickpeas (150 cal for 1/2 cup).  And of course, since those made up the filling, there were minimal amounts of each ingredient in each enchilada.  I love cooking because then I know everything that's in my food, and I can make it as low cal as I want.

In:
Banana: 105
2 cups yellow rice w/ grilled veggies: ~320
Spinach and mushroom enchilada: ~300

Out:
15 minutes of light calisthenics

If I get hungry later, I'll just have a popsicle (30).  It's not the best intake imaginable.  But it's progress.  I'm really nervous for Friday.  My little sister's birthday is coming up, which means pizza and cake.  Blegh.  I'll have to find some way out of those.

Just a bit of thinspiration.

Nicotine Fueled Ramblings

It's one AM, and I'm sitting, shivering by an open window, waiting for the tell-tale smell of cigarette smoke to fade.  I hate going back to my old habits, my old vices.  I can't remember a period in my life when I didn't dabble in a self-destructive behavior at some point.  I bear the scars, nicotine-stained teeth, and abrupt weight-loss to prove it.  I don't know how to cope if I'm not destroying myself in some way.  "Destroy what destroys you."  I guess I know that the one thing that holds true power over me is my cluttered, disordered mind.  I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder.  I'm sure EDNOS would quickly follow if I told my therapist about my eating habits.  I don't know.  Maybe I will.  Probably I won't.

Tomorrow I'll clean up and go get my sister's birthday present.  I'm going to get her Candyland, our favorite game when we were little.  I'm looking forward to it, for I haven't left this house in days.  I haven't left this room in almost as long, except to do laundry.  I think when I'm out, I'll pick up some diet pills.  Hopefully I'll be able to find some effective, wallet-friendly ones.  Suggestions?

I miss T.  I wanted him to come over today, but he was babysitting.  I still love him, and sometimes it seems like he still loves me.  But other times it seems like he's letting me down easily, giving me time to absorb the shock of losing the one thing that really mattered in my life.  In one of the many climactic fights leading to our eventual demise, he basically called me worthless, told me that I fucked up the last year and five months of his life.  He apologized.  Kind of.  He says dumb stuff in fights.  Most of the time I can ignore it because the claims are, to be frank, ridiculous.  But those hit home.  I don't think I'll ever forget them.  Do you know the pain of being considered worthless by the person who means the most to you?  Obviously he doesn't really think I'm a worthless fuckup.  He wouldn't still be making an effort to keep our friendship alive.  I know him.  If he truly considered a person worthless, he'd have nothing more to do with her.  But I cannot forget.  And he wonders why I can't sleep anymore.

I binged tonight.  So much for the water fast.  Around six o'clock I knew I wasn't going to make it, so I made myself an egg white and baby spinach leaf omelet (~23), but once I let food into my body, I couldn't stop eating.  The damage was around 1,000 calories.  I'm disgusting.  A pig.  A whale.  Luckily today I'd burned off over 800 in various forms of excerise, and I drank over three liters of water, so hopefully that will mitigate some of the inevitable weight gain, but still.  Not good enough.  The worst part is, half the time I catch my reflection in a mirror, I'm proud.  There is a distinctive figure, a womanly shape to my body.  I am no longer a round ball of lard.  But I don't get to be proud yet.  I'm still fat.  I'm still obese.  I'm still the ugly fat friend.  I cannot lose control of this, too.  This is the only thing I have left in my life.  Everything else has been taken from me.

Beware the Ides of March, Caesar

Last night and this morning I cleaned my room.  Hello, carpet.  I missed you.  It's been a while since we've seen each other.  I probably haven't cleaned since last summer.  I have to be in the right mood.  It looks so pretty and empty now, like I want to be.

Slight weight gain, and I'm a bit disappointed.  I was sure after yesterday's workout I would have lost.  But that's okay.  I'll just do a liquid fast today.  Just water, and a diet coke if I get too too hungry.  I really want to run again, but I cut my foot while cleaning, so that's a no go.  I'll just do extra crunches and some scissors kicks.  I feel so fat and ugly.  But I'm doing something about it.  I'll fix myself.  At least I'm not like my sister, constantly whining about her perpetual muffin top whilst shoving her face with ice cream and buttery popcorn and anything else she can get her greasy mitts on.  Disgusting.

On the bright side, I'll finish In Cold Blood today.  Even though it's required for English, it's absolutely wonderful.  In class, the teacher asked us who we most relate to.  I had to keep my mouth shut.  I empathize with one of the killers.  A sad man with a sad life.  A dreamer with a mean streak.  A man with weak kidneys who wet his bed until the day he died.  Overall, just a man.  And he is infinitely more real to me than the idolized dead family.

Edit:  Changed my mind about the treadmill.  My foot really isn't that bad.  So I'm going to jog once my favorite sports bra and sweat pants are out of the dryer.

"And on a rainy Monday, I feel it inside me."

It's been a long, lonely, rainy Monday.  Spring break started this week, so I don't even have school to keep me busy.  It's strange, but as much as I need a break every time school is out, I don't really enjoy it.  I would much rather be busy.  I feel so unproductive.  So worthless.

I wish either E or A were in town.  I used to be a firm believer that there could not be love without trust.  I was wrong.  I don't trust either of them, but they're still my best friends.  They've done nothing to me.  They've done nothing to deserve me being this awful to them.  I just hate everyone, okay?  I even hate the people I love.

I can't sleep at night.  I just lie awake thinking about everything I've done wrong, everything I will do wrong.  I'm ugly, despicable, worthless, fat.  I don't know what is so wrong with me.  I really don't.  But there's something.

Stats

Height: 5'3

Chest: 38"
Waist: 31"
Hips: 41"

HW: 200+ (I never weighed myself at my fattest)
CW: 160
CLW: 160
GW: 150
UGW: 120

I know, I know, I know, I'm a monstrous whale.  I was wearing women's clothing as young as third grade. None of the junior selection fit me.  At least I've lost some of it.  And I will lose more.  I'm so close to my next goal I can taste it.

Japan

I would like to take a moment to actually blog about something important.  Since Friday morning I've been constantly refreshing cnn.com, attempting to obtain some kind of information.  As I'm sure everyone knows by now, a 8.9 magnitude earthquake devastated Japan, followed by a catastrophic tsunami.  Hundreds of bodies are washing on shore, and the death count is quickly rising.

On top of all of that, a nuclear reactor in Japan is currently on the meltdown because the quake knocked out the power source.  No power means that the reactors cannot efficiently cool themselves, which can wreak all sorts of havoc.  Over a hundred thousand citizens have had to be evacuated.  Even as things stand right now, it's the third worst nuclear disaster in the history of nuclear power, and it's not even over yet.

If you can donate anything, then please do.  To give $10, just text REDCROSS to 90999.

This whole thing just has me shaken up.  Watching the videos of the disaster was the worst.  People fleeing as the world falls apart around them.  Walls of water carrying debris sweeping across fields, ruining livelihoods.  Cars, boats, and planes being tossed about like they were nothing.  The sheer futility of man against the will of nature.

Imagine people--regular, ordinary people--on their phones right now, desperately trying to get in touch with their loved ones, their wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, friends.  Desperately hoping that special person will answer the phone.  And most times, that person will pick up.  But sometimes he or she won't.  Imagine all those people crying from the relief their loved one is okay, the uncertainty about the future, the terrible inevitability that someone they know and love is dead.  

It just kind of puts things on a personal level.  There's really nothing funny about any of this.  And I'm shocked that some people can joke.  Or even worse, how they can simply not care.  How can you not care that your fellow humans are suffering around you?  What if you were caught in that terrible tsunami?  Worse, what if it was someone you cared about?  Would you care then?

Just something to think about.

Saturday Morning

Good morning.

Last night was surprisingly fun.  I thought I'd be spending all night with my cat, but T wanted me to come hang out.  Sometimes seeing T is hard.  We dated for over a year, and we only broke up a little less than three months ago.  He's always been my best friend, though, so we still hang out occasionally.

But yeah.  It was nice.  The faint traces of awkward are fading away.  I haven't gotten over him at all, but that's okay.  I don't really need to right now.  But I have no idea how he feels about me, other than that he still wants to be friends.  That bothers me a lot.

Yesterday was good food-wise.  I had cereal with 1% milk for breakfast, tortellini for lunch, a banana for my after school snack, and a bowl of baby spinach leaves for dinner.  I ran for 15 minutes, and walked a few miles around the mall with T and some friends.  So that's a good day.

I'm taking my sister to Barnes and Noble later.  This morning I had a peanut butter and jelly bagel, and later I'll have a skinny caramel macchiato and at the book store, and that'll be it for the day if everything goes well.  I don't know if I'll be able to run again today.  I'm still a beginner, and it reallyyyy hurts to do too much too soon.

So I think it's time for my favorite way to waste a Saturday: with Sims 3 and America's Next Top Model.

Hello, there.

I suppose that much like the rest of my generation, I'm narcissistic to a fault.  I've been blogging through various sites since I was thirteen, and now at seventeen, I feel empty without one.  I started on xanga, and had two very popular blogs there.  I quit that and moved to tumblr, which I enjoyed very much.  Each of my blogs were very special to me, but I had to quit for personal reasons.

I don't plan on sharing this blog with anyone.  I can't keep my mouth shut anymore, but I don't trust anyone.  I don't trust my friends.  I barely trust my therapist.  I certainly don't trust my father.  So who better to confide in than complete strangers?  Yeah...

This will probably end up as a pro-ana blog.  I am not anorexic.  I am not bulimic.  But my eating patterns certainly cannot be described as normal.  I joined blogger primarily to follow pro-ana sites.  

So yes, this is me.  And I can't say I'm very proud of what I see.