T was supposed to come over today, but he bailed, so I decided to go to the grocery store and buy some Alex-friendly foods. Apples, bananas, oranges, low-cal bread, low-cal cereal, and Greek yogurt. I spent the whole time in the store praying fervently that no one I knew would see me or the contents of my cart. I could hear the questions in my head. "Where's the meat?" "Why not normal bread?" "What did you do, pick the smallest apples on the shelf?"
The paranoia and I have become great friends. If I hear people laughing, I know it's about me. I can't make eye contact with strangers. I can't handle being in public for long periods of time. I need to hide. I keep hearing things that I'm not sure are real. Dogs barking, people laughing, muted conversations. They're so far away. Do they exist?
I forget, sometimes, about the depression. Major Depressive Disorder. My first mental illness. It was followed quickly by Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I'm slipping. I've experienced brief psychosis before. I don't want to go back there.