Sunday, May 22, 2011


T was supposed to come over today, but he bailed, so I decided to go to the grocery store and buy some Alex-friendly foods.  Apples, bananas, oranges, low-cal bread, low-cal cereal, and Greek yogurt.  I spent the whole time in the store praying fervently that no one I knew would see me or the contents of my cart.  I could hear the questions in my head.  "Where's the meat?"  "Why not normal bread?"  "What did you do, pick the smallest apples on the shelf?"

The paranoia and I have become great friends.  If I hear people laughing, I know it's about me.  I can't make eye contact with strangers.  I can't handle being in public for long periods of time.  I need to hide.  I keep hearing things that I'm not sure are real.  Dogs barking, people laughing, muted conversations.  They're so far away.  Do they exist?

I forget, sometimes, about the depression.  Major Depressive Disorder.  My first mental illness. It was followed quickly by Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  I'm slipping.  I've experienced brief psychosis before.  I don't want to go back there.


  1. I could so strongly relate to the second paragraph.. I'm so sorry honey, try to feel better!

  2. feel better!! and yay for new foods in the house!
    do you see anyone or take anything for your depression? if you do maybe tell someone it isn't working. if you don't, consider getting help. it's a real illness, just like diabetes or something. I know you already know all this, but just give it some thought.

    lots of love and support!!!

  3. I second the idea of help. I don't know what it is like because I've never had it but I'm here for you! Stay strong beautiful xx