Success

The fast was successful.  I haven't had a bite to eat since dinner last night.  If I don't eat until lunch tomorrow, that makes nearly a 40 hour fast.  I don't know if I want to wait that long though.  But I'm not eating until I'm 139lbs.  I refuse.  I managed 27 minutes on the stationary bike today.  I could have gone much longer, but I didn't want to deplete my energy stores while fasting.  It was hard to make myself stop.  I feel like I could be going so much faster, so much further, and I'm just holding myself back with perceived limitations.  Or maybe the limitations are real and I will crash and burn eventually.  I don't care either way.  As long as I end up thin.

Fasting

I cannot stand the thought of food today.  I really can't.  So I think I'll make today a spontaneous fast.  I'm hiding from lunch in my dorm room now, gulping peppermint tea until I feel full.  I shouldn't be this hungry.  Traitorous body.  Wish me luck, girls <3

Tea and Anime

Oliva Lee sent me to one of the most beautiful websites I've ever seen.  Teavana.com.  I've already made an account and a wishlist.  Now to beg my dad to buy me some, hahaha.

I know this may sound strange, but I've been watching a lot of anime for thinspiration.  The characters are all so tiny and delicate.  It almost doesn't matter that they aren't real.  I want to look as they do, innocent and fragile, with just a hint of an edge.  

It was pouring buckets outside, and I didn't feel like getting soaked in the 15 minute walk to the gym.  Now I feel incredibly lazy, but oh well.  There is always tomorrow.  I did well with calories, so I'll just take things one step at a time.

And our horrific news story of the day is.... Deep.Fried.Kool-Aid.  What the fuck?

"We hope vaguely, we dread precisely."

Title quote by Paul Valéry.  I've been anxious all day because I forgot to weigh myself.  By the time I remembered, I'd already had a few glasses of water.  Oh well.  T gave me half his latte, and I gulped the delicious horrid thing down before I even stopped to consider that he didn't order it fat-free.  Of course he didn't.  Worked it off and then some at the gym.  But dinner was too big, and I'm still 37 calories over.  That's remedied easily enough with a set of calisthenics, though.  I'll have a net under 700, but I'm supposed to be eating under 700, not netting.  Fuck.  Why can't I just restrict properly?  I won't be too hard on myself, but ugh.  I feel so uncomfortable in my skin today.  I'm just expanding expanding expanding.  I feel scratchy and hot.  I want to peel away the layers of fat and make myself clean.

I spent $30 of my dwindling food fund on 3 large tins of really nice tea.  Now I won't have enough food money to eat out this weekend.  Which means that the weekend will be a virtual fast since the cafeteria isn't open.  Score.  The bookstore here sells a brand of tea that's not available in my hometown, so I'm stocking up.  Tea is filling and calorie free.  I can never get enough.

I'm trying so hard to be positive.  Last night I had an anxiety attack that left me sobbing on the floor while A did her best to comfort me.  Everything is too much.  I just sit around and listen to Brand New and The Smiths and wait for the world to implode.

Lovely Dreams and Overwhelming Doubt

Today I feel a bit better.  I'm still stressed, still scared.  But better.  I had the loveliest dreams last night.  Then, I woke up to the crushing disappointment that none of them were real.  Some of it is achievable: I can be thin.  I will be thin.  It will just take some time.  Some, well... not so much.  T and I will never be together again.  I'm closer to accepting that, but I'm not all the way there yet.

So far today, I've had 10 strawberries and a cup of tea for breakfast.  I think lunch will be an orange and a cup of tea.  I'm strangely not hungry today.  It must be all the binging/purging I've put my body through this weekend.  I'm trying really hard to not be disappointed by my weight.  I wanted to be 140 by the time I left summer college.  I'm leaving on June 30th, and at 141 lbs, I'm way ahead of schedule.  I just feel like it's never enough though.  I'll be 130 by the end of the summer.  Maybe even 125.   I realize I have so much weight left to lose and get overwhelmed almost daily.  I've lost over 60lbs already.  I can do this.  I just need to focus.

Perfect Eyes Will Have Perfect Aim

Today I had lunch and dinner with my dad and sister.  We had sushi.  Miso soup, edamame, a spicy veggie roll.  A veritable feast.  And then frozen yogurt.  My God, it was hard to smile and look normal and eat all that food.  But somehow I did.  Now I'm ending the day at 785 calories.  I don't want to call it a bust, because I do have an additional 100 liquid calories to be applied three times a week, and frozen yogurt is technically liquid, right?  Hah, let's go with that.  I'm thinking about adding in a special occasions clause to my plan, but that's just weak and lazy.

I did my morning calisthenics, and I think if I do another set, I'll let myself eat 5 strawberries for dinner.  Or maybe just a cup of tea.  I still can't get rid of this one song that put my head in a bad place.  I just want to take up less space.  I want to transcend need, become air and water and bones and nothing else.

The Aftermath

Morning damage: wrappers everywhere, sore throat, swollen face, dark circles an insomniac would envy, puke on the floor, bruises from where I collapsed on the bathroom floor, 1.5 pounds of water retention, skin that's broken out everywhere.

Jesus-fucking-Christ.  I seriously cannot believe I binged and purged not once, but four separate times.  Fuck.  I probably consumed about 1200 calories last night alone.  No telling how many I actually got up.    What must my neighbors think?  I'm sure they must have heard.  I was all ready with my flu excuse, but no one came to check, so I guess that's something.  Fuck.

Never gonna get it right

You're never gonna get it

Never gonna get it right

My dad is driving down to take me to lunch around noon.  The last thing I want to do is eat, but it's an early Father's Day celebration, so I have to in order to please him.  I'll still stick to the new plan.  

• 700 calories intake without wiggle room calories burned in exercise, 
• 100 additional liquid calories 3 times a week, 
• 40 minutes at the gym 5 times a week, 
• A dessert item once a week to be included in the daily 700 calories
• 2 liters of water a day, minimum,
• Make sure to take diet pills,
• ABSOLUTELY NO BINGING