The Last Day of Summer College

I have finals today, so I refuse to restrict.  My brain needs fuel.  I'll be soup fasting tomorrow, and possibly the next day to make up for it.  July 1st, I start the Thin Skinny Slim diet.  I'll be 130 before my senior year of high school.  I met my goal.  I wanted to be 140 when I left summer college, and as of yesterday, I was 139.5.  I didn't weigh myself this morning as my scale was already packed.  Ah well.

I can't wait to be home.  Tonight I'll be in the comfort of my own bed.  I can watch TV and not have planned mealtimes and go wherever the fuck I want.  It will be magical.  My dad said he'd get me a gym membership, so I have high expectations for this summer.  I need a haircut and to fix the color.  All in good time.

Deplorable

I went home yesterday.  I needed to get away from this horrible school.  Spent the whole day cooking.  Binge binge binge binge.  No purge.  My stomach is killing me this morning.  Only 2 pound gain.  I can't even face the idea of food today.  I got my cigarette (or 5) yesterday.  I want to be 18 already.

Finals are tomorrow, and then I can finally go home.

No Distinction

I saw my best friend for the first time in nearly a month today.  She literally could not stop staring at me.  She kept saying, "You're so tiny!"  The last time she saw me I was 152 or so.  So I guess me at 138 makes a big difference.  The mirror shows no distinction.  200lb Alex is 174lb Alex is 169lb Alex is 150lb Alex is 138lb Alex.



The fat thighs in the back right are me.  Fuck.  I'm going crazy here.  Not tiny.  Not tiny at all.  Fatfatfatfatfatfatfat.  Shape up, Alex.  Count calories.  Why did you ever think you couldn't?  Breaks are for skinny people.

I remade my tumblr, because I missed it so much.  Considered posting it here, but I won't for anonymity issues.  Email me if you want to follow or whatever.  I don't even care about anything at this point.  I just want a fag.

Anxious Nights

I spent over an hour on the phone with my therapist.  I was having a breakdown after I purged blood.  I'm pretty sure I just scratched up the back of my throat, but still.  Life is a lot to handle sometimes.  I've decided to not count calories for the next week.  I need some sanity.  After next week I'll start the Thin Skinny Slim diet or whatever the fuck it's called.  I just need some time to myself.

This may sound desperate, but if anyone wants to talk, email me at chubbybones12@yahoo.com.  I'm lonely, and my roommate is gone.  Yeah, I'm pathetic.

At least gay marriage was approved in New York.  Just one more step towards equality <3

Thinspiration - Gemma Ward

I have a new girl crush, and her name is Gemma Ward.  She's fucking gorgeous, and exactly the size I want to be one day.

It's a shame she gained weight, but I doubt this is her

She's so effortless <3

139!

I broke the fast at 42 hours, which I don't really mind.  The longest I've ever gone before was around 45, so making it 48 when my dorm room is full of food is just a little ridiculous.  Had a yogurt and an orange, and then ate dinner with my friends and purged it.  I felt sort of bad while I was purging.  Like, everything that was coming up was green and healthy, full of nutrients my body probably needed after not eating.  But oh well.  I'm 139 this morning, so I couldn't be happier.

This picture is one of my new favorites.

Going for 48 Hours

I'm still not 139.  GODFUCKINGDAMNIT.  I don't know why this is so important to me, but it is.  The suggestions for low-cal Gatorade and power aid sound great.  Unfortunately, I don't know where I could find some on campus.  Everything you buy here with the exception of tea and diet coke is full fat, full calorie.  It scares the shit out of me.  But yeah, not eating until dinner tonight.  I won't go to the gym, but I'm definitely not eating.  Everything is sore and my heart is pounding, but I don't give a shit.

Thinspo.